


Begin Again

by peachandromeda



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Complex Character, Dark Past, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, I will update the tags as I go on, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Junhoe and Hanbin as bestfriends, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Psychological Trauma, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Trauma, death of a minor character, mentioned of suicide, somewhat travel fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:08:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24825826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachandromeda/pseuds/peachandromeda
Summary: Still haunted by the ugly past and reeling in the present, Hanbin slowly tries to get his life back together and move on by starting to overcome his fear of crowds. He finds himself traveling to one of the liveliest, crowded cities in the world with his best friend, Junhoe, and there he meets the charismatic DJ, Jiwon.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 48
Kudos: 91





	1. Spring Has Begun

He couldn’t find his passport and he only has an hour to get to the airport to catch his flight to Tokyo with Junhoe.

"Mom where is my passport? It’s not in the backpack, I thought I put it in here last night!" Hanbin calls out to his mom from his room while rummaging through his luggage, switching from his backpack to the cabinet, stopping for a moment to recall where he could've possibly placed it.

“You tucked it in between the book you were reading last night after you packed your clothes, have you checked?”

"....what book?"

Hanbin suddenly remembers how he was overcome with emotions last night that he ended up rambling in his diary and reading _It's Kind of A Funny Story_ after stuffing his clothes. He scrambles to his feet to flip open the book on the study table and finds his passport pressed in between the pages as a bookmark, because a page was left unread, unfinished. He feebly clutches it onto his chest as he slumps on the floor and lets a huge sigh of relief. He turns to find his mother leaning at the door frame with an amused expression, shaking her head at him as if to say _how will you survive without me?_

The wind outside finally gives away that icy feeling and cherry blossom trees have started to boast their beautiful pale, pinkish petals.

Spring has begun.

Hanbin together with his mother and little sister waits right outside as the Uber driver pulls over in front of their house.

"Bye, mom!"

"Take care of yourself, and don’t forget to text me once you land, okay?"

Hanbin hugs his mum tightly and gives her a reassuring smile. Hanbyul is standing next to her, sulking and is too shy to show any reaction towards his temporary departure. She’s gonna miss him; even if it's just for a few days and Hanbin knows his sister could never tell the words outright. All those days spent inside the studio and now this trip, the silence is somewhat self-explanatory. He leans down to meet his sister’s eyes and plants a soft kiss on her forehead and nose tip. Somewhat the sweet gesture made his sister's body language rest at ease and in return, Hanbin receives a meek smile. He pats her head and waves goodbye before hopping inside the car.

His mom and Hanbyul remain standing outside with their figures getting smaller and smaller in the side view mirror as the car drives away.

♫

He meets Junhoe at the airport, his best friend; towering in height with athletic build, a face that easily intimidates but underneath the cold exterior lies a soft, caring personality. He’s the front-man of a quartet-alternative rock band called _Summer Reads_. The band has been around since their senior high school years; they've had weekly gigs at bars and even had lined up at known music festivals across east Asia, however, the band sank on a hiatus for over two years now after they lost their drummer.

Hanbin has been wanting to go on a leisure trip (solo travel to be specific) for so long but he still firmly believes that he isn’t ready for that, not yet. Not when his job as an interior designer eats up most of his time until he realised that he’s been consistently finding himself in a fickle lately, so when Junhoe told him he’s going to Japan to meet some people who can help him get his band back on track, he thought he could join and embark on a spontaneous trip. Just go fly out and figure things out there without the worries of what's going to happen next.

Hanbin walks up to the familiar figure sitting at the waiting area near their designated departure gate.

"Hey."  
"Hey you! Ready to get lost in translation?"

Junhoe beams at him, trying to reference the popular film and Hanbin scoffs at the futile attempt for humour.

In a few minutes, their flight is announced ready for departure.

Despite the plane’s cramp spaces and his already strained muscles, Hanbin tries to find comfort by looking out the window and taking pictures of the setting sun. The colour palette the dusk creates is something to behold and Hanbin has to freeze the view. It’s gorgeous, like there’s a whole opening movie scene happening above the clouds. A rather weak smile forms on his face at the thought of him travelling and finally getting out of his comfort zone for the first time in two years. The past years were nothing but slow, lethargic and gloomy. He was thankful for all the beautiful things he was able to create out of the abyss of grief and loneliness, nonetheless. People were right when they said we can create something beautiful out of something that inflicts the most pain.

He goes to browse his phone's gallery after to see all the new photos he's taken and plugs in his earphones to listen to some music, until Junhoe signals to him that the flight attendant is announcing that the plane is preparing for landing.

After arrivals, Junhoe briskly walks towards the direction of the train station to catch the earliest train ride to Tokyo's main city proper and Hanbin scurries to keep up.

"Why are you walking so fast? You’re not even checking if I’m right behind you!"

Hanbin whines in his familiar high-pitched voice and clings onto his best friend's arm. He acts like a 12-year old sometimes and Junhoe amusingly shakes his head at him. He looks forward to pulling a prank on Hanbin one of these days.

♫

  
  


"Ah, I miss Tokyo so much!" Junhoe flops on his hotel bed and squishes his face against the sheet.

Hanbin sits on his own bed and tries to Google some places to check out and things to do while in Tokyo. He intentionally did not prepare an itinerary since he simply wants a change in scenery, travel spontaneously as possible or he can live up to whatever _lost in translation_ entails.

"You didn’t prepare an itinerary, did you?" Hanbin nods at Junhoe, pouting.

"Tomorrow I’m meeting Jiwon so if you don’t mind, you can join me. We can visit Shinjuku Gyoen, you'll enjoy the landscapes there."

Junhoe awaits for a response after nonchalantly dropping the guy's name as if Hanbin knows him too well.

"Is Jiwon your Yakuza recruiter?" 

"Hmmm, actually I realised that pretty boys like you are in demand in the black market so I put you up for an auction. Jiwon is one of the potential bidders."

  
The answer comically leaves Hanbin wide eyed and staring agape at Junhoe but he managed to frailly smack the latter in the arm which made both of them laugh at their own display of childishness.

"But no seriously, who is he? You never mentioned him before. Is he Korean?"

Hanbin crosses his arms to reinforce his genuine curiosity and Junhoe has to chuckle at the gesture.

"First of all I did, you weren’t just paying enough attention, and yes, he’s Korean but he stays in Japan these days. I met him when I hiked at Mt. Fuji last summer." There's a sudden pause before Junhoe continues, "maybe after this trip, we can all go on a hike together, what do you think?"

Junhoe gives him a hopeful look and Hanbin purses his lips as if to contemplate the prospect of hiking with the two despite the lack of further information about the new guy.

"Okay, I guess I should look forward to meeting him then."

"Yeah you should."

Junhoe retreated to the bathroom to take a shower and Hanbin is left with nothing but the calm silence of their hotel room. He's looking out the window and watching an entire city flickers underneath. There’s something wistful and nostalgic about the city lights at night time that instantly made him picture a boy walking a girl home along a dimly lit street, a husband and wife arguing in the car after beating the rush hour traffic and a store-owner doing their inventory before closing time— it’s the familiar flow of our daily lives. Hanbin lets out a heavy sigh; he wants to break free from the lethal, daily routines brought upon by his job. He needs to try something new and exciting, something that’ll make his heart race. Don't get him wrong, he loves every aspect of being an interior designer, but there are some days when he'd rather stuff his face between books or spend all day writing poems instead of listening and politely saying _yes_ to his clients most of the time. There are days when he also feels the need to pause from everything, to take a rest and utterly do nothing. Just pause. He's constantly consumed by the feeling of needing to be far away and be close with someone too, all at the same time. It’s confusing to the point that he ends up heavily sleeping and waking up the next day to do the same routines.

"We’ll meet tomorrow morning. We’re going on a _Hanami._ I’m pretty sure Ueno park is packed, you won't like it, so let's visit Gyoen instead."  
  


Hanbin is shaken off from his own reverie and turns around to see Junhoe wringing his wet hair off with a towel. He nods at him in which Junhoe exchanges with an encouraging smile.

It’s Hanbin’s turn to take a shower. A quick one turns into a long session of contemplation. He can ditch the _Hanami_ and opt for something else to do that doesn’t involve seeing a crowd because he hates being caught in a throng of people. It brings back terrible memories from the past that still haunt him today, but he’s literally travelling in one of the liveliest, crowded cities in the world, _what am I even thinking?_ That memory and any crowd easily make him feel like he’s drowning and the only way to break into the surface again is to find a concrete wall to lean against. This way he can oversee the crowd and survey the surroundings. It’s a defence mechanism— if he sees them, he knows when to move, who to look at. It feels like everything is under his control. Hanbin brings his hands to his hair and starts shaking his head as if to shush away the noise of that memory and the desperation of having someone who he can lean on as a wall whenever he's having relapses.

After getting out from a long bath and drying off his hair, he tucks himself under the blanket and let his eyes roam the ceiling for too long and let his mind go off somewhere. Travelling means meeting new people, going out of your comfort zone and seeing life from a different angle. He needs to do more of what makes him uncomfortable. He needs to overcome his fears, his trauma. And for the first time in a long time, despite the apprehension, Hanbin actually feels genuinely excited. He exhales deeply and slowly drifts into sleep.

♫

The sun is peeking through the windows of their hotel room and its rays are creating little prisms on the floor. It's a sunny Wednesday. Hanbin stretches away all vestiges of sleep and goes to peek at the time on his phone: 8:49am. Surprisingly, Junhoe is already prepped in casual black pants, white t-shirt and black, long coat. After a quick shower, Hanbin styles his hair with soft curls and opts for an oversized green hoodie, a white shirt underneath, a pair of relaxed black pants and white sneakers. He also brings his film camera with him as they head out.

They’re meeting Jiwon at Shinjuku Gyoen park which isn’t really far from where they’re currently staying. Hanbin enjoys walking on a windy, sunny morning and Junhoe doesn't miss how he basks his face in the morning sun. 

"Loving mornings in Japan so far huh."

Hanbin hums in response.

They stop at a convenience store to grab some breakfast and a few cans of _Horoyoi_ and Hanbin couldn't hide his joy from seeing his favourite anime characters printed on bottles, bento boxes and even snack wrappers. Convenience stores in Japan just might've become one of his favourite places.

As they head to the direction of Shinjuku Station’s new south exit and before they even reach the gate to the train station, a guy with purple hair tied in a man-bun calls out for Junhoe’s name and waves at them. 

Jiwon.

The two walk up to him and Hanbin immediately notices how Jiwon is all bunny teeth and cheeks when he greets them. His eyes crinkle at the mere sight of Junhoe, and maybe him too, and it's even cuter when he wiggles in the air what seems to be picnic materials until Junhoe drops the introduction.

"Hi, Jiwon, this is my bestfriend, Hanbin... Hanbin, Jiwon." Junhoe introduces the two to each other and Hanbin waits for Jiwon to extend his hand for a hand shake only to be disappointed because Jiwon opts for a wave instead.

"Hi, Hanbin." 

"Hello, it's nice meeting you, Jiwon."

Despite the peak season, the park remains uncrowded with its perfectly manicured lawns where visitors lay their picnic blankets. The view remains relaxing with the cherry blossoms and their varying shades of pink—from the palest to the most saturated—bursting from afar. Hanbin must've spent too much time inside the confines of his studio and his house to be this entranced by a vast garden.

"It must be your first time here. I can see it in the way your mouth hangs open." Jiwon smiles at him.

"The view of the landscape is relaxing, makes me want to check out the gardens."

"Yeah it is, I can tour you around though if you don't mind."

Hanbin feels a punch in his stomach at the offer, or maybe at how easy and casual Jiwon converses with him.

"Actually, I wanna go check it out all by myself..." words come abruptly and Hanbin regrets uttering them. Jiwon, however, isn't startled one bit and even gives him a reassuring nod as if to say it's fine turning down his offer.

Junhoe and Jiwon start laying out the picnic sheet under a cherry blossom tree and taking out the food Junhoe and Hanbin bought from the convenience store. Meanwhile, Hanbin's figure grow smaller in the distance as he checks what else there is to see in the park. They sit and take in the beautiful view in front of them with a cold drink on their hands.

"Are you still spinning at clubs? When does your contract end?" Junhoe asks Jiwon.

"Next week, but I will only be spinning for three days then I'm back to Seoul."

"What are you doing in your vacant days then?"

The sun is too bright which made the two squint at each other as they talk.

"I have no idea, been spending most of my time sleeping, writing some songs when I'm in the mood." Jiwon pouts at the realisation of how boring his life has become when he's off work.

"By the way, I have here the tickets Yojiro got for us for their concert at Yokohama arena on Saturday," he takes out the ticket from his back pocket and hands it to Junhoe.

"Awesome, what time does the show start again?"

"7:30pm, you should've told me your best friend is coming with you, I could've told Yojiro to secure us three."

"Hanbin only told me he's coming with me five days before my flight, and he's no longer into watching concerts, so it's fine. He's also off for a solo trip and I will be back in Seoul on Sunday."

"I see. What's he up to, soul-searching?" Junhoe chuckles at the wild guess.

"I think so, he's trying to come out of his cage, which is good,"

"Does he want a tour guide maybe?" Jiwon tilts his head as if to suggest to Junhoe that he could be his tour guide.

"He thought you're a Yakuza member."

The two guys burst into laughter because Jiwon once told Junhoe the number of times other people have mistaken him as one before. Jiwon can't blame Hanbin.

"I'd love to join him though, but it'd be better if he does all this by himself: meet new people, go places and stuff."

Jiwon doesn't miss the tinge of sadness in Junhoe's voice when he uttered those words. He can feel there's a backstory to it, but he won't dwell on it because he might be wrong and it's too early to let some mystery grow on him. But it dawns on him that Hanbin actually intrigues him in those fleeting seconds that they've interacted, and maybe, just maybe, he could quit spending his vacant days sleeping and get to know Hanbin more instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing on ao3 and I'm starting to familiarise myself with it. This is my first attempt for an au with DoubleB so I hope I don't suck a bit. This story will be divided in chapters and the characters and their behaviours will be explained as the story goes so I hope you can hang in there for me. Pls leave a comment :)


	2. Your Warmth in Cold Spring Breeze

There’s something magical with the way the sun filters in through the trees, and hearing the cold spring breeze swoosh, making the leaves rustle. The clouds hover above, moving in such a cinematic motion, the sky is too bright, too blue. Hanbin revels at how beautiful the day is. He left Jiwon and Junhoe for a while to take a walk and check out the other gardens in the park. Every corner of each garden is aesthetically appealing, seeing all the plants and flowers he’s never seen before, all the vibrant colours blending together, Hanbin wishes he could take some home and surprise Hanbyul with it. The people coming in to check them however start to thicken. Under normal circumstances, he’d panic to find a corner and refrain from roaming around as much as possible, but right now, he wants to enjoy the idyllic gardens and takes as many film photographs as possible. He affirms his decision to take things slowly so his anxiety and apprehension can take the back seat for now. 

On his way back to where Junhoe and Jiwon laid out their picnic sheet, a sensational feeling of courage facing the flood of people coming into the garden while he goes out struck him out of nowhere. He feels more than okay this time and smiles in small triumph despite himself.

“The gardens are so gorgeous, you should check it out.” Junhoe and Jiwon both look up at him, squinting at Hanbin’s pale white skin against the bright sky. He sits with his legs crossed next to Junhoe.

“Yeah they are, which one is your favourite?” Jiwon asks him.

Weighing in the criteria, Hanbin pouts thinking of his choice carefully and Jiwon smiles at how goofy his face looked like.

“Hmmm…. probably the Japanese garden. It has more variety of plants and flowers compared to the other two.”

Jiwon was about to ask further information and keep the small talk going by discussing varieties of flowers and plants when Junhoe cuts in.

“By the way, Bin, me and Jiwon are watching a concert on Saturday, then I’ll fly back to Seoul the next day. You better start planning what you’ll do in the next 4 days.”

“Alright, I’ll try to create my itinerary later when we get back to the hotel.” 

Jiwon isn’t aware of their travel plans apart from the fact that Hanbin wants to go on a solo trip, so he’s a bit dumbfounded hearing their exchange, “Wait, hold on, so you don’t have a list of places to visit during your stay here?” 

“Yeah, I’m kind of regretting it now,” Hanbin futilely laughs, “but I’ll figure things out, don’t worry.”

“You can still be our tour guide in the next three days though, Jiwon. If you’re not busy.” Junhoe suggests with a lopsided smile. Jiwon scratches the back of his head, not because he’s waiting for their reaction if he refuses, but because he has tons of places in mind where he can take the two and he somehow doesn’t know where to actually begin enumerating. He has to hold himself back from being too excited so he won’t look like he’s the one going on a trip instead of Hanbin and Junhoe.

“Sure, I can do that. Just let me know of your budget and the places you’d like to see, activities to try…..” Jiwon goes on but Junhoe interrupts him again.

“I’d like to visit Okinawa island, I haven't been there."

“Junhoe that's a whole island away from Japan.” Hanbin interjects and reminds him incredulously. Sometimes Junhoe would toss some dumb, random answer or suggestion during a conversation knowing full well they’re gonna get Hanbin mildly annoyed and Junhoe would then stifle a laughter because Hanbin is too smart for his own good to the extent that he couldn’t meet him on the same level in terms of humour. 

“How about you Hanbin?” Jiwon asks, smiling.

“I want to check some popular Japanese architecture and interiors. Maybe we can visit POLA museum and some anime inspired locations?”

“Ah, there he is again. It’s the _Otaku_ speaking.” Junhoe teases his best friend and Hanbin simply glares at him.

“We can definitely visit POLA museum, or you two can try to relax at an _onsen_ nearby. For your anime pilgrimage, you have tons of options but I suggest we visit Kamakura," Jiwon pauses before continuing, "ah, the place never fails to remind me of Slam Dunk.”

“Oh yeah that one. I love Slam Dunk...” 

“Me too. Who’s your favourite character?”

Junhoe butts in with _Coach Anzai_ which makes all of them burst into laughter. Only when the laughter dies down did Hanbin respond, “Mine’s Sakuragi.”

The answer pinches at Jiwon’s heart. His favourite is Rukawa, but he decides against telling Hanbin that. Those anime characters have a special place in his heart and ironically something is twisting inside his chest after hearing Hanbin say he loves that anime too. Maybe because he found their first common interest. 

They spend the next hours asking Jiwon about his stay in Japan and what he currently does in the country. The conversation jumps from one topic to another and in between fleeting minutes, Jiwon would stare long enough to notice how shy Hanbin talks, holding himself back from sounding like a know-it-all. However, Hanbin is simply intelligent, he loves reading, so he knows so much about stuff. And Jiwon thinks he shouldn’t feel apologetic for being smart.

Jiwon also shares about spinning at clubs and how the job pays him a lot. Mostly it’s about the things he already mentioned to Junhoe when they first met last summer and how he invited him to go on a hike. There were pauses, awkward silence, humourless bickers in between, but most of the time it's Jiwon throwing questions in Hanbin's direction.

“Oh by the way, I looked up this vintage guitar shop just around here, can we go?” Junhoe asks the two.

They laugh at the minor slip-ups when they start to pack their things as they leave. Jiwon suits up again as their tour guide when he explains that amongst many parks in Tokyo that are popular for _Hanami_ , Shinjuku Gyoen is probably the most enjoyable one due to the lesser crowd. Hanbin wishes he could visit the other parks so he can compare it himself, but even if they have the time for that he thinks he couldn’t do it. At least not yet. He immediately tucks away the thought of it at the back of his mind.

They start strolling around the neighbourhood to find the store, with Hanbin taking pictures of every nook and cranny of the picturesque streets they pass along. Before their legs give up on them with endless walking, Junhoe sees the familiar door of the store similar to what’s shown on Google street view when he was searching for it online.

“Oh there it is! You two can stay outside and wait for me. I’m just gonna go check something.”

“Nope, I’ll come with you. I want to see some vintage guitars too.” Hanbin follows him.

“Yeah, me too…” Jiwon says, scratching the back of his head.

Junhoe took his time to check some new guitar amplifiers, meanwhile Jiwon trudged around with absolute reluctance, sometimes stealing glances in Hanbin’s direction. The latter is too fixated on scrutinising minute vintage collections displayed at the store, signed posters of The Beatles and many more to initiate a conversation. Junhoe didn’t buy anything, he has everything essential he needs right now but he thought it’s worth checking the items the store has up for sale.

They didn’t notice that the sun had gone down when they got out of the store. It wasn’t late into the night yet so instead of heading straight to their hotel, Jiwon invited them to experience Japanese Grill or _Robata._ It’s a unique Japanese food experience where people sit around a crew of men who grill the food in front of them. Customers just have to point at which food to cook and after the chef grilled it, they will bring the food to the bar table using a huge spatula.

"Wow. This is the literally a feast for the eyes." Hanbin says in awe as he takes a seat and revels at the sight of food in front of him. The blending colours are quite a scene, offering a sight that'll surely stimulate someone's appetite.

The three are already on their second round of orders when Hanbin notices that Jiwon is stuck with chicken and pork, while he and Junhoe have been devouring a scrumptious variety of seafood.

“Hey Jiwon, wanna try this king crab? It's huge and really savory, you should try it.” Hanbin gently pushes the plate in front of Jiwon and the latter shakes his head at him to politely decline the offer.

“I have an allergy to seafood, you go finish it.” Jiwon suppresses a smile. Hanbin is surprised about this news, but mentally takes note as if there will be next time.

Junhoe asks for a bottle of Asahi _sake_ and pours it onto Hanbin and Jiwon's small cups. The three raise their cups and bellow a _Kampai_ in unison _._ Though barely finishing the entire bottle, Hanbin started to feel a little inebriated after drinking an adequate amount. He also happens to be sitting between Junhoe and Jiwon, and turning his head left to right when listening to them eventually made him dizzy, almost knocking himself from his seat but Jiwon immediately caught him.

“Hey, hey!” Jiwon lets out a raspy chuckle, “Junhoe I think your best friend is a little drunk already.”

Junhoe laughs at him because he knows it’s the low alcohol tolerance kicking in. Junhoe starts throwing jokes about how things haven’t changed as he helps Hanbin get back to his feet and all Hanbin could muster is whine about how Junhoe ordered a _sake_ when they could've asked for cold water.

“Alright. Let’s go back to the hotel.” Junhoe helps Hanbin stand up as they head outside but the latter's slender legs immediately wobble when he tries to set his feet firmly against the pavement.

“I don’t wanna go back to Korea, I want to stay here in Japan, the _Bento box_ has Ayanami Rei’s face on it…” Hanbin started slurring random things as they reach the door, earning a concerned look from the men cooking behind the grill. Thankfully Jiwon was quick to respond, saying something about being fine, that they’re heading home and thanking them for they really enjoyed the food.

“I want to buy a house in Japan, Junhoe-ya. I already have the design…” Junhoe has his arm wrapped around Hanbin’s waist to keep him from tripping and flailing around. He couldn’t hold himself back from laughing.

“Yup, we can talk about that later at the hotel.”

Jiwon looks at Hanbin with a combination of surprise and concern. A few gulps of _sake_ and he could barely walk straight. He also starts to notice him whining in his surprisingly high-pitched voice for the first time tonight.

Jiwon tries to hail a cab for them on the sidewalk and nearly after a few minutes, a white taxi pulls over and Junhoe carefully tucks Hanbin in the backseat and swings in to sit next to him.

“Give me a message once you get back to your hotel, Junhoe,” says Jiwon, crouching to peek at Hanbin inside.

“Sure, thank you again for today, sorry it had to end up like this.” Junhoe flashes a tight-lipped smile and bids him goodbye and closes the taxi door.

Jiwon watches the taxi drive away. What an eventful day. A meek smile stretches on his face when he remembers how contrasting the morning and tonight have been. It was peaceful in the morning, and got slightly chaotic at night. The pattern is too familiar— it’s either Tokyo has always been like this and he’s not just too observant to notice, or someone has finally shaken up his boring life. The night is still young, he could drop by at the club and grab a few more drinks, maybe he can shake his life a little bit more.

♫

It hasn’t even been past 48 hours since they landed in Japan but there he is, his best friend lying on the bed, slurring some words he couldn’t even understand. Junhoe lets out a deep sigh and rubs his face as if to wash off the exhaustion, and instead of wasting his time waiting for Hanbin to stir awake, he picks up his phone and sends Jiwon a text message telling him they got back to their hotel safely.

Junhoe brings a damp towel and starts undressing Hanbin to clean him up a bit so he won’t feel icky when he wakes up the next morning. Despite being totally drunk and passed out, Hanbin always manages to look peaceful in his sleep. He's simply moulded beautifully like that. The sight suddenly made Junhoe realise how much his best friend deserves to experience all this after what happened in the past two years. Things that will somewhat make him feel alive. His memory walks down to their youth, their lives during high school and college. They’ve been through thick and thin and he’s so proud that both of them are still here. He’s going to take care of Hanbin until he’s strong enough again to take care of himself and probably someone else, both in the literal and figurative sense of the word.

Junhoe starts to retreat to the bathroom to take a shower when he notices a reply from Jiwon on his phone screen.

[Jiwon] hows ur _bestfriend? Give him banana milk to prevent the hangover._

[Junhoe] _he's passed out, yeah i'll do that, of course. thanks for the reminder, i can take care of my bestfriend :)_

[Jiwon] _Hehe yeh, i'm just concerned._

[Junhoe] _I know, tnx for today by the way._

[Jiwon] _R u guys off to somewhere tomorrow?_

[Junhoe] _Hmm… I will need to ask Hanbin that first, but I’m going to see the live band show in downtown Tokyo tomorrow night, don't forget~_

[Jiwon] Aight, _will b ryt there~_

[Junhoe] _Alright. See u tmrrw._

♫

Jiwon doesn’t feel like himself tonight. Something’s lacking. He’s already drank at least four more bottles of _Asahi_ and still he couldn’t keep his mind off Hanbin. The plump lips, innocent face, fierce gaze and the intellect and subtle introversion. He keeps on replaying everything that’s happened today and it doesn’t feel right, because he couldn’t put a finger on what exactly it is he’s feeling and it’s baffling him. 

He takes the exit stairs that lead to one of the rooms at the back of the club. His skin feels hot, the alcohol feels like setting him ablaze. The loud, upbeat music isn’t helping him black out his thoughts as well. He swings the door open and the girl inside jumps in surprise.

“What the hell! Don’t you know how to knock?” The girl shouts at him.

“Erin.”

Jiwon closes the door behind him and takes the seat in front of the mirror. He looks at his own reflection, blood-shot eyes, flushed skin, totally wasted. The model-like figure just stares at him in dismay. Erin is a stunner: black hair that barely falls past her shoulders, slender physique, fair complexion, hazelnut-brown eyes, legs for days, just overall gorgeous from head to toe.

“What is it this time? Are you that bored, you just wanna get wasted every night, when you could’ve been spinning?” Erin asks him, voice totally annoyed. She shakes his head at Jiwon when he doesn't show any attempt to respond.

“I’m spinning tonight, but if you want to talk about it. I have a cover, we can go out.” 

“I’m fine. I’m just waiting for the alcohol to wear off so I can go home in one piece.” Jiwon says in his defeated, low voice.

“The mirror is right there in front of you yet you can’t see how wasted you are. Come on, let me take you home.”

She reaches for Jiwon’s hand, motioning for him to head outside but then he hugs himself instead in defiance.

“Remember Junhoe?” Jiwon asks out of the blue.

She stops at her tracks and tries to remember who the guy is. Her memory back tracks all the way to the summer of last year when Jiwon told him he’s hiking at Mt. Fuji with a guy he met. Someone from Seoul too.

“Why? What about him?”

Jiwon stares longingly at nothingness, contemplating whether to go on and tell the story again of how they met last year, how they told each other’s dilemmas and the life ahead of them as musicians. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that, it annoys him how Junhoe came into his life like a bulldozer and now he’s back and it’s even more annoying this time. Only because he brings Hanbin with him.

Erin knows about all of it, except of course about Hanbin.

“Nothing. I’m going home, go play your set tonight, don’t worry about me.” 

“I don’t really like babysitting you, but I’m always here if you need me. You know that.”

Jiwon nods and staggers on his way out of the room and Erin makes a _tsking_ sound at how wrecked Jiwon looks like.

“Yep, I think I should really take you home.”

Erin and Jiwon are best friends.

They met in one of the Airbnb houses Jiwon rented when he came first here in Japan. A Japan-based entertainment agency that has a Korean music label partner once promised to sign Jiwon as their new artist after scouting him from the underground hip hop scene in Seoul. Unfortunately, things went awry because Jiwon refused to fit into that mold the company wanted for him, so they ended up stealing his music instead. It started out good, but it ended up ugly. And Jiwon was too heartbroken to choose to be further involved with it so he let it slide, waiting until now for life to handle it. Too proud to come home, he stayed in Japan and looked for a job. Erin helped him all the way, and now they're both spinning at clubs and earning a decent amount in their paychecks.

That was two years ago.

There were days in between when out of nowhere Jiwon would feel like his life isn’t complete when he’s not writing song lyrics and letting a few people hear his music. The nights he spent at clubs playing some of his sets aren’t enough to compensate for his thirst to sing and perform on stage in front of a crowd. He’s grown lackadaisical after what that label company did to him. It’s a dangerous thing when businesses meddle with arts, but unfortunately, artists like him have to gamble their creative freedom along the way—so they can be promoted properly in the market, may it be through making their music available in many streaming platforms, through concerts and tours—and at the same time, make a living.

They wait outside for a cab, somewhat the night breeze helps Jiwon sober up a little, but his eyes remain red, skin hot, thoughts in disarray.

Erin breaks the silence in the cold night air, “so you’re spinning for one last time on Sunday?” 

“Yup. Sorry had to leave you, but you know this is coming, right?” Jiwon flashes a weak smile at her.

“I’m happy for you.” 

“I know you always are. That’s why you’re my girl. You’ve always been so supportive.”

Jiwon hugs her tightly and only tears away when a cab pulls up along the sidewalk. He swings into the car and heads home alone. 

♫

[Jiwon] _M'rning Junhoe! saw a hot-spring resort in Hakone offering a discount for their onsen, i thought u and Hanbin shud try it. Maybe on fridaysince wer isiting the museum today? i can come over in an hour just send me ur hotel address._

It's 7 am in the morning and despite the effect of alcohol from last night, Junhoe manages to wake up early. What's even more surprising is seeing Hanbin sitting up on his bed, frowning at his phone. He sends a text back to Jiwon before turning to his best friend.

[Junhoe] _Sure, we can just drag Hanbin anywhere before I leave for Seoul. Then let’s go see a live band after, later tonight._

Junhoe receives the last reply from Jiwon and leaves him on read.

He takes a good look at Hanbin before speaking, "have a headache?"

Hanbin shakes his head.

"What's on the news?"

Junhoe is curious at whatever it is that Hanbin is frowning at.

"I'm not reading the news, I'm trying to check the train schedules for Osaka to Kyoto." 

"Just screenshot the map and the schedule and go. Jiwon will be here shortly, you go take the shower first."

"Would it be weird if I go to Universal Studios alone?"

"It won't be weird, but the question is, can you go alone?" Junhoe asks, highlighting the word _alone_ as he speaks.

"The goal is to visit as many places alone as possible, Junhoe-ya." Hanbin retorts. 

"I know, just don't get drunk, okay?"

And a pillow flies over and landed right on Junhoe's face.

"I didn't have to feel the need to show off that I can drink alcohol in front of Jiwon if it weren't for you!"

"That’s a pity. You should've seen yourself last night!" Junhoe teases Hanbin, flopping back on the bed laughing.

Hanbin gets up from bed and kicks Junhoe in the shin. He mutters about sticking to _Horoyoi_ next time and that he won't be drinking _sake_ any time soon on his way to the bathroom.

♫

The entire museum is made of glass so the vibrant green colours of the forest can be seen from the inside. It sits deep in the middle of the lush forest, and Hanbin couldn’t hide his delight because the museum is such a perfect place for people who appreciate art and love nature. People like himself.

Hanbin and Jiwon walk gingerly, checking out all the temporary exhibits, the galleries, scrutinising every intricate, artsy object hanging on the wall. Jiwon isn't familiar with many arts so Hanbin is the one curating, giving him bits of information about the art pieces he knows. There'll be a minute when they'd both stare at a painting and come up with funny theories about the artists and their arts. They don’t mean to disregard any possible interpretations, but they find it peculiar how some people forget to appreciate the beauty of something at a face value because they get so busy digging for any deep meaning.

“So what do you do? Are you an art curator in Seoul?” 

“Nope. I’m an interior designer, how about you? What do you do apart from playing music at the club?”

They take a seat on a long faux leather bench in the middle of the spacious room surrounded by huge paintings hanging on the wall.

"I write music when I'm not sleeping, sometimes I'm playing video games just to kill time." Jiwon beams at him.

"What do you do with the music you've written?" Hanbin asks. Jiwon's past-time piques his interest all of a sudden.

"I keep them at home. I don't think anyone would want to hear them anyway." He replies with a bleak smile on his face.

“Why would you think that? Let me and Junhoe hear them, if you don’t mind. I’m sure you know Junhoe is the vocalist of his own band. You two can help each other.” 

Jiwon assumes Junhoe hasn’t told Hanbin much about him and the things they talked about last summer. But it’s fine he guesses, this is probably not the last time he’s having a conversation with Hanbin about his music anyway. He also feels happy that Hanbin is somewhat interested in them. 

“Sure. I’ll do that, just not these days. I still have a few things to figure out.” Jiwon dodges the question.

“What genre are you into?”

Hanbin asks and gets surprised, wide-eyed, when Jiwon answers him that he’s into rap music.

"Wow, now I’m even more interested to hear your songs, Jiwon.”

Jiwon loves Hip Hop songs and his lyrics are pretty rich and heavy with explicit words. Rhythm and poetry. Jiwon also likes the way the sound of his name slips past Hanbin's lips.

He hasn’t dug in to his lyrics lately, but tonight he might check them again and try to rewrite some of it. Maybe arrange some lyrics and compositions too. Thanks to Hanbin, he doesn't have to woo an inspiration to begin again and for making him feel excited about going through it after such a long while.

“How about you? What do you do outside your studios?” 

“Writing poems is my favourite pastime. I enjoy reading books and watching anime too,” Hanbin sighs, “I know it's boring, but I enjoy these things and I rarely get to do them these days because I’m busy at work.” 

“But you’re travelling now, so it means more free time for you.”

“Yeah, I found out Junhoe was travelling to Japan so I thought of tagging along, but I’ll travel solo once he's back in Seoul.”

“Where do you plan to go next?”

“I plan to visit Kansai area and maybe travel to Nagoya then go back to Tokyo.” 

“Would you mind if I join you on your trip?” Jiwon asks casually.

Hanbin doesn’t answer immediately and suddenly gets shy and stutters, “I’m… ah...” He knows Jiwon has been consistently offering to be their tour guide but he wasn’t expecting he’d still like to be even without Junhoe.

“You can think about it, you have until Sunday though.”

As if on cue, Junhoe calls out for them saying they have to be back in Tokyo to catch up with the live band he’s watching tonight.

“How about Kamakura though?” Hanbin asks. A bit worried.

“Well, Bin, it took us two and a half hours just to get here. I might miss the show if we don’t leave now.”

Hanbin doesn’t want his best friend to feel guilty so he assures Junhoe on their drive back to Tokyo that he’ll probably just visit Kamakura tomorrow if they still have time, or maybe a day before he flies back to Seoul. 

They dropped Hanbin off at the nearest train station to their hotel, and Junhoe tells him he might be back past midnight since he will also be out for a drink after the show.

Hanbin is alone in their hotel room. He’s supposed to be resuming in creating his itinerary for his trip next week, yet, he’s lying on his bed staring at the ceiling contemplating whether to let Jiwon accompany him next week or to politely decline the offer. He hates how his heart is racing so fast at the thought, he almost wants to punch himself. He doesn’t know much about him unlike Junhoe. His best friend mentioned before that they went on a hike last summer, he must’ve mentioned other things apart from that and like what Junhoe said, he wasn’t paying attention. He now wishes he did because he’s starting to get curious about him and he wants to unravel the mystery veiling that handsome face. 

“So he writes music…..” Hanbin says to no one but himself.

He wants to return things to how they were, he wants his old self back but he gets scared easily at every step he takes. He wants to acknowledge whatever it is he’s feeling right now, but the shadow of the past seems to be lurking somewhere making him more anxious of his future plans. He hates it: the relapses. He continues to stare at the ceiling, letting his internal monologues go. There isn't a playbook that will best describe what he's feeling when Jiwon is around and will instruct him how to deal with it.

_Wouldn’t it be easier to get to know Jiwon more from here on out, without expectations… of any kind?_

_Why do I feel like I want something more from him? Something more than getting to know each other…._

_What the hell is going on, Hanbin?_

_Why is he so cute and honest? But a little bit reserve all at the same time._

_Maybe because we barely know each other of course, he’d want to avoid oversharing. You’re an idiot, Hanbin._

Hanbin screams into the void and kicks air in frustrations, “Fine! I’ll just let him accompany me then!”

He buries his face against the sheet to hide his embarrassment. He’s smiling— the kind that reaches the ears and the eyes. It'd be easier for him if he doesn't go against what his heart says. Some might find it cliche, but it's the truth— people tend to make things even more complicated than they already are, so despite the apprehension, Hanbin decides to just go with whatever his heart says. This makes him feel genuinely excited and he can’t wait to spend an entire week with Jiwon alone.

♫

They arrive in Hakone early in the morning and the hot-spring resort where Jiwon takes them offers a sweeping view of Mt. Fuji. The view alone will surely take one’s breath away, and Hanbin and Junhoe can hold a testimonial to that since they couldn’t stop admiring it. They couldn't wait to soak at the bathhouse and just stare at the beautiful mountain until sundown.

After one of the staff at the reception found out that Jiwon and Hanbin have tattoos, they were told to take the private bath instead to respect their policy. Hanbin was bothered for a moment because the private _onsen_ might deprive him of the view of the mountain, but the staff immediately clarified that they have an exclusive one outside where guests can still enjoy the view. In Japan, tattoos are still pretty taboo so some _onsen_ owners offer a private one to their guests instead.

Staring at the steam billowing out from one of the _onsen_ rooms, Hanbin realises that he’s inevitably going to see Jiwon in all of his nakedness and feels a sucker-punch in his stomach. He imagines the taut muscles and soft skin and the picture in his head instantly gives him a mixed feeling of excitement and nervousness twisting in knots at the pit of his guts.

He dips in the _onsen_ while waiting for Jiwon and Junhoe to get out of the sauna. His feet up to his neck is submerged in the hot spring water, its warmth lulling him instantly into a half-asleep state, but he quickly snaps out of the dazzling haze when the door to the _onsen_ creaks open and a fully naked Jiwon walks in. Hanbin tries his best to keep his eyes fixed on Jiwon’s face but failed miserably because he’s sure didn’t miss Jiwon wink at him as if to ask, _enjoying the view?_

The sound of water rippling when Jiwon dips into the pool made Hanbin suddenly blush. He has a way of noticing such little, profound details almost in everything, as well as the odd ones: like how funny it is that not everyone gets naked around someone they barely know in a hot-spring pool because here they are.

“It’s starting to give you the healing treatment, isn’t it, the warm water?” Jiwon asks, breaking the impending silence between them.

“Definitely. I didn’t think of visiting an _onsen_ , glad you took us here.” Hanbin nods as he splays his fingers on the water surface.

“Sure. Just giving you more reasons to say _yes_ to my offer from yesterday.”

Hanbin couldn’t help but giggle at the statement.

“I’m not forgetting about the offer. Where do you plan to take us next?”

“Tomorrow me and Junhoe will watch a concert in Yokohama. I can give you a list of a few places you can visit in the meantime.”

“Nice. Thank you.”

“How’d you like it so far?”

“What?” Hanbin asks.

“The _onsen_.” Jiwon chuckles, trying hard to keep the small talk going as much as possible until Junhoe joins in.

“It’s nice. I almost fell asleep until you came in.” Hanbin’s response comes off thin and breathy and Jiwon’s gaze automatically lowers at Hanbin’s plump, pink lips. He shakes his head to shoo away the image, refusing it to be permanently embedded on his brain.

Before Hanbin could notice Jiwon being trapped under his trance, Junhoe comes in fully naked too and soaks into the water. Instead of joining the two in the middle, Junhoe props his arms on the edge of the pool and flutters his eyes close.

“Wow, I could stay here forever.”

Hanbin motions for Junhoe to swim towards him, “Come closer, I’ll massage your back.” 

“No need. You need to relax too, Bin. Ah, I can’t believe we have to pay extra because you two have tattoos.”

Jiwon suppresses an embarrassed smile, “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Where do you have your tattoos anyway, Jiwon?" 

“On my back and around my ankles.” . 

“How ‘bout you Hanbin, do you have other tattoos apart from that _Nihilism_? Can I see them?”

Junhoe snorts at the way Hanbin flushes in embarrassment because he knows he has an ink that crawls from his hip all the way down to his groin and he sure doesn’t want to show that to Jiwon, though it's fine showing off their tattoos amongst male companions.

Hanbin sneers at his best friend before responding, “I have one on my back, on my left shoulder blade and another one in my rib side.”

He left out the one that’s inked on his waist.

They stayed submerged in the water under a half-asleep state, without anyone daring to initiate another conversation. They all chose to be lulled by the warm water, kept them unmoved until they're all satisfied and needed to go.

♫

Junhoe wants to dedicate his life to his own rock band that’s why he’s doing his best to get back onto making music again. He misses that beautiful feeling when the crowd sings back their own songs to them, the sound of guitar riffs accompanied by the drums, he wants to sing his heart out again, the kind where echoes reverberate against his rib cage when his voice meets the microphone. Summer Reads debuted independently until the end of their college year when they signed a record deal with Sony Music korea. It’s a huge deal and Junhoe was so excited about the life ahead of him as a rock star. His band mates Jaewon, Jinhwan and Donghyuk have sworn they’ll glue the band together whatever happens, since it's the product of their youth and their love for music altogether.

And now as they wait for RADWIMPS to take on the stage and rock the entire Yokohama Arena, memories of the past come flooding back.

“Hey, you alright?” Jiwon pats his back. They’re standing near the control booth.

“Yeah, just being nostalgic.” Junhoe smiles sheepishly at him.

“Miss performing on stage, I guess?” 

“Yeah, and the screaming crowd. All of it, everything around here feels familiar.” 

“I got you. Don’t worry, come on!” Jiwon squeezes his shoulder and somewhat the gesture relieves Junhoe of the sad nostalgia.

A few minutes later and the band takes on the stage. The sweat-dripping crowd jumps at the rhythm and sings along. Junhoe sings the lyrics perfectly to every song, banging his head along with the rough sound of the drums and long, screeching tune of the guitars; throwing his arms in the air, mirroring the crowd when the song slows down. The main vocalist, Yojiro, speaks to the crowd when Junhoe’s phone suddenly vibrates. He receives a message from Hanbin saying he’s waiting outside the arena. Staying at the hotel doing absolutely nothing bored him, so he thought he could wait for them outside until the concert is over.

“Who’s that?” Jiwon lowers his gaze at Junhoe’s phone.

“It’s Hanbin. He’s outside waiting for us.” Junhoe’s attention is back on the singer talking on stage. Jiwon taps him and asks with urgency in his voice, “Can I leave you here? I’ll go see him outside.”

“Yeah sure, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, enjoy the rest of the concert. Let me know if you’re meeting Yojiro backstage.” 

“I:m meeting Yojiro after this. Let Hanbin know and I’ll send you a message later.” 

“Okay, see you.” 

Jiwon speeds out of the arena to find Hanbin outside sitting on a bench near a bicycle parking. It’s cold and he sees him rubbing both of his arms and blowing steam off his palms.

Hanbin perks up at the sight of him.

“What are you doing here, is the concert done already?” Hanbin asks. He wears a smile that could only express joy and excitement.

“Junhoe told me you’re waiting for us outside. I’ve seen Yojiro perform many times, so I thought I’d just join you here and wait for Junhoe together.” 

And they both fell into silent after that, but there’s no awkwardness hanging in the atmosphere. Words just fail them, leaving them sitting next to each other until they start to see the small details by simply looking at each other’s smile, reading each other’s body language. But Jiwon couldn't endure it any longer so he asks coyly, "So my offer from the other day, can I get the answer now?”

Hanbin pouts and pretend to mull it over before responding, “Oh that, well, I plan to leave for Osaka at 8:55am on Monday. I have to be at the train station by 8:30am the earliest. We can meet at our hotel at 8am, I guess?”

Jiwon covers his mouth when he laughs, “So it’s a yes then huh.” 

Hanbin nods to agree with his lips pressed together, eyes sparkling when he smiles.

“Junhoe will leave in the afternoon and I plan to stay at the hotel for the whole day. My boss has been sending me tons of emails in the past two days.” Hanbin slumps his shoulders at the mere thought of going through those emails.

“Can you unlock your phone? I'll add my Kakaotalk ID so I can send you the places you can include in your itinerary.”

Jiwon asks for Hanbin’s phone which the latter hands in without hesitation. Jiwon notices Hanbin’s wallpaper before he types in his Kakao ID.

“Who’s the little girl? Your sister?” Jiwon asks, handing back the phone to him. Hanbin may be the only one who feels a slight tingling sensation down his spine when his palm brushes against Jiwon’s fingers, or maybe he's not.

“Yes, her name’s Hanbyul.” Hanbin doesn’t feel like Jiwon is about to launch a few questions about his family but just to be safe, he shifts the conversation immediately.

“What time do you spin at the club?”

“Hmmm, late at night around 11pm, but I’m quitting actually. Tomorrow’s going to be my last spin.” Jiwon says. His tone’s bittersweet. It’s a mixture of sentimental because he has a lot to be thankful for with the job and exhilaration because he can start anew and look forward to making music again. Like writing lyrics and not getting enough sleep until he gets the right melody for a song.

Their conversation shuffles on with Hanbin asking about the club’s address and how big it is, and Jiwon jestingly accusing him of wasting a whole day in Tokyo by staying at his hotel. They wait for another hour until both of them receive a message from Junhoe telling them to wait a little more since he’s still talking to Yojiro backstage.

♫

Last night Jiwon mentioned the place where he spins and gave Hanbin the address. Hanbin knows Jiwon will never expect him in this lifetime to drop by at the club since Junhoe once mentioned to him that he doesn’t like packed places. But he's inside the club now. He wants to surprise Jiwon and he's just gonna send him a chat message after he finishes his set for the night.

After scanning the dancing throng under the flickering lights, Hanbin realises he needs to weave his way through them to get to the bar. He swallows a lump in his throat rather dramatically at the mere thought of it. This is expected; he’s not only doing this to surprise Jiwon but also to slowly get rid of his fright of crowds and a club full of party-goers seems like not the best way to start, but he's already here. Hanbin exhales and inhales deeply and questions the Universe why out of all places and of all possible jobs Jiwon could take, he chose to become a DJ. Eventually, he successfully shuffled through the crowd and made it to the bar, feeling the nausea and the dizzying aftermath but he managed. He looked back at the thick crowd and couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with pride. He always feels a small pocket of pride every time he fulfills something he’d rather delay to try. Baby steps. He sits on the bar stool in the corner and asks the bartender for a rum and coke.

“What time does Jiwon spin?” Hanbin asks the bartender.

”Jiwon? Who’s that?” The bartender shouts a little.

"The DJ, the Korean DJ. He plays here I believe.” Hanbin leans over the bar so the bartender can hear him better.

“You mean, Bobby?” The bartender responds and points at the poster plastered on the door leading to the back of the club. Jiwon’s face is on the poster with ‘DJ Bobby’ written underneath. Hanbin thinks it must be his stage name, however, there’s no mistaking with the now familiar charismatic DJ.

Hanbin nods at the bartender.

”I think he only spins on weekdays lately. His girlfriend will be up there on stage in a few though, you can ask her after her set.” The bartender serves him the rum and coke, and Hanbin suddenly feels like the floor is tilting askew. He plants his hands flat on the bar table. His heart pounds so fast, he wants to beat his chest to make it stop.

His eyes immediately turn to the mini stage when the crowd starts to cheer and scream because the gorgeous DJ finally appears behind the mixer.

Jiwon’s girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is noticeably longer compare to the first, almost 8k words I think? It's kind of slow I know, I was working on Unlike Any Other Script while I was finishing this chapter and the words just keep flowing, I wish I could've added more substance? Can't believe I actually promised to update every two days, but since I'm working on some one-shots I guess I'll stick to a weekly schedule for this au. Thank you all for reading, please talk to me in the comments, the unusually longer chapter somewhat made me anxious -_-


	3. When It Rains

One leg comfortably propped on the coffee table, the other folded on the couch, Jiwon is jotting down all the places he and Hanbin can visit next week in a small notebook. He’s in the room at the back of the club waiting for his turn to spin for one last time before he flies back to Seoul. It’s just him and his thoughts flowing in a steady staccato hum along with the loud music reverberating through the walls. He would momentarily pause just to smile like an idiot remembering how Hanbin vaguely agreed to welcome him aboard on his solo trip, and now he felt the need to be the head planner. 

A bunch of crumpled papers have found the trash can because he couldn’t write properly. It's ridiculous but he wants Hanbin to find his handwriting tidy when he sees the list. He has entered another dimension just to fish for a compliment from Hanbin, which is rather childish and whimsical. 

Erin comes in and walks across to check herself out in the mirror: beads of sweat on her forehead, slightly disheveled, volumised hair and red-tinged cheeks, she just finished her set.

“It’s your final set in 20 minutes, Ji, get ready.”

She shoots a questioning look in his direction when Jiwon didn’t respond. She takes a seat on the couch across him, props her elbow on her legs and stares. Jiwon just takes a quick glance at her and ignores her.

“What is it you're writing and why the serious face?” Erin asks.

Jiwon dismisses her again and goes to calculate the travel time from each place to another listed in the itinerary while he stares long and hard on the ceiling.

“Hey! I’m here, I’m asking you some questions, maybe you could answer me?” Erin waves her hand right in front of Jiwon’s face to get his attention.

The thing is, he's too excited to spend the whole week with Hanbin and he couldn’t entertain Erin just yet until he finishes what he’s doing, but he knows Erin won't let him off the hook until he feeds her curiosity.

“I’ll be in Osaka next week and I’m trying to list down some places to visit.” Jiwon says.

He wants to take Hanbin to the best places in Kansai area, but the problem is there are too many of them and most of them are packed during spring. He crosses off some places that might trigger Hanbin’s fear of crowds. It’s thoughtful and considerate how Jiwon— in such a short period of time— learns how to weigh such a criteria based on the assumption of whether Hanbin will or will not like them.

“Okay then why the hell are you blushing?” Erin frowns at him. She taps Jiwon’s face as if to shake some sense into him.

Jiwon slightly pushes away Erin’s hand, “Mind your own business, Erin.”

“You have a set tonight, Ji. Whatever it is you’re doing, it can wait for sure.”

“The people inside can wait and it’s my last spin, I know it’s going to be lit. I’ll make sure it’s gonna be special.” Jiwon says sternly.

“Yeah sure, by going up late and making people wait even longer? That’s your idea of special, right?” Erin scoffs, 

“What’s your issue? Why are you snarky?” Jiwon scowls then ducks his head to hide his growing smile.

“Look at you, why the hell are you blushing? You're making me cringe!” Erin makes a retching sound and rubs her arms up and down to express her horror. She sits next to him and closely inspects his face.

“Can you stay away from me, Erin? Ya!”

“Aha! What’s her name? Or rather, what’s _his_ name?”

“Shut up. It’s not what you think it is. Fuck, you’re annoying, I’m going out.” 

Jiwon stands up and tucks the note inside his bag on the coffee table.

“You’re a pussy, Jiwon. Getting all blushed and traditional, listing down places to visit on a piece of paper? Just kiss the boy right in the mouth, give him a blowjob and get over yourself.”

Jiwon lets out an exasperated sigh at Erin's shallow banter, although something in him wishes she won’t stop teasing him until he's confident enough to tell her about Hanbin.

He rolls his eyes at her and eventually vacates the room.

♫

Hanbin asks the bartender for the exit at the back of the club so he doesn’t have to swim through the crowd again when he leaves. The scene outside is a blur of moving cars, white and red lights and faceless people walking in different directions. The sound of honking cars is muffled by the unsteady beats of his heart. He breathes through the cold night air to release some tension inside his chest. The club is suffocating. It sucks the air out of him.

He walks and walks, head filled with made up scenarios, not caring if he bumps against someone else’s shoulder. He’s overthinking, looking downcast waiting for the ground to magically take him back to his hotel. He's totally spaced out and couldn’t get a hold of himself that only a car honking directly at him snatches him out of a hollowed void. He realised he’s standing on the pedestrian lane at the green light, like a deer on the headlight. The driver waited for him to cross before honking at him again for blocking the road for far too long. They even alighted the car to ask Hanbin if he’s okay, but Hanbin was quick to bow to avoid attracting any more attention and hurriedly crossed the street.

The things he learnt tonight were intrusive. The thought of Jiwon having a girlfriend easily invades his entire system. His face and every thought of him filling every inch of his brain. He feels stupid and he needs to get a grip. It should’ve occurred to him first hand that he’s someone who’d be in a relationship. He feels really stupid, he wishes the ground would open and swallow him whole.

Junhoe just flew back to South Korea and there he is, left with two empty beds and the room suddenly became strangely spacious. No more pillow fights, no more bickering, he’s only accompanied by the deafening silence and a longing to go home. He takes another long shower again, probably not way longer than the one where he almost locked himself in the bathroom until the next morning two years ago.

It’s not easy to shush away the noise inside his head. Under normal circumstances, he'd easily fall asleep due to mental and emotional exhaustion, but tonight, every time he closes his eyes, he just remembers how the night didn’t turn out the way he expected it to be. He tries to distract himself by browsing on his phone, only to see multiple unread Kakaotalk messages from Jiwon.

10:47pm

_Hanbin! R U still awake? I’m listing down the places we can visit starting tomorrow~_

_I can’t send it to u now bc i'm writing it in a piece of paper hehe_

_R U asleep? Did U go out today? Where did you go? :)_

_You’re probably asleep already.. gud nyt, see you tomorrow. *winks*_

Everything he felt in the last five days has dissipated into thin air—he feels nothing now. He’s not even hurt nor disappointed, but rather he feels light, like a ghost floating in the air. Hanbin just stares at the messages and never intends to reply. He goes to check the earliest schedule of _Shinkansen_ from Tokyo to Osaka without even considering how Jiwon would feel if he eventually bails out. It’s inconsiderate, but he made up his mind and affirmed that he can decline by the last minute. It shouldn’t be a big deal and it shouldn’t bother him more than it does now. He expects Jiwon would eventually pick up that he’s avoiding him if he continues to ignore him. It’s easier that way and Hanbin always prefers the easy way out rather than confronting things head on. 

Hanbin always imagines how beautiful it is to witness that moment between night and day where the sun slowly rises and everything just gets back to life after a long night of sleep. It’s nice to leave early in the morning and see people start on their day, so he changes his schedule to 7:00am for his departure to Osaka tomorrow. Things will return to normal again as if they weren't to begin with, he promised to himself. He tries his best to fall asleep with the hope that his trip will still turn out fine in the end.

♫

7:33am Jiwon

_Morning, Hanbin! I’m heading to your hotel now, be there in 20 minutes!_

_I’ll wait 4 U in the lobby._

It only takes 15 minutes to get to Shinjuku from Jiwon’s place via train. He sent Hanbin chat messages but he hasn’t been replying. He assumes he’s busy packing his clothes. Jiwon could picture Hanbin sitting in the lobby with his luggage and small backpack, he would hand him the itinerary which will get Hanbin all hyped up for their trip. He’d love to see that boyish, impish smile on his face again.

Before heading to the train station, Jiwon dropped by at a Lawson store and quickly grabbed some freshly cooked _onigiri_ and _tamago_ sandwich just in case Hanbin hadn't eaten his breakfast yet, or maybe even if he had. 

He reaches the hotel and excitedly waits for Hanbin in the lobby. However, the long passing minutes make him anxious because they’re supposed to be at the Shinkansen station by 8:30am. He decides to approach the reception and asks the staff with growing qualms and panic building inside his chest.

“Hi, may I know if someone checked out today before 8am?”

“Hi, sir. Yes there are people who checked out before 8am but we do apologise since we can’t disclose the name of our guests as well as the time of their checkout.” The staff says.

“Oh, I see. Okay, I understand that.” Jiwon bows to the staff and goes back to the lobby.

He paces across as if it’s his own apartment and sends Hanbin a chat message asking where he is. He almost drops his phone when it pings and shows Hanbin’s Kakaotalk ID on the screen.

8:11am

[Hanbin] _I already left for Osaka, I changed my mind. It's sudden I know, but I wanna enjoy this trip alone.... sorry for the inconvenience and it was nice meeting you. Please take care always!!_

_What the fuck?_ Jiwon frowns at the message and rereads it again. He’s absolutely confused. He heads outside and all of sudden everything about the morning and the surroundings have distorted into a huge wasteland. He’s not the type to overthink but he hates how he’s fiddling on his phone and pondering for the right words to ask to Hanbin. He’s baffled and worried that he might’ve done something wrong that's why Hanbin is suddenly bailing out on him, but again, he doesn’t want to overthink. Instead of being completely wrapped up by his monologues, he thought of asking Junhoe instead.

♫

“Hey, just woke up. My flight from yesterday got delayed, where are you know? Still in the hotel?” Junhoe asks Hanbin through Facetime.

“Nope. Going to Osaka today, I left before the sun was up. The Japanese on Google say if I leave early, I can be rewarded with the view of Mt. Fuji from the train while the sun rises up, look...” Hanbin points his phone camera on the window side to show Junhoe a view of house roofs, gardens and trees in the distance.

“Where’s Mt. Fuji?”

“The train has just traveled past it.” Hanbin snickers.

“You're not funny. Anyway, can you give me your address in Osaka or share with me your itinerary if you ever have one, so I’ll know where you are?” Junhoe asks.

“Nope, I’m not giving it. I’m on my own and you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“Six days gone and you’re a changed person now huh.”

Junhoe claps through the phone screen and laughs derisively.

Hanbin rolls his eyes at his best friend.

“I’m going off now, need to meet Dong and Jinhwan today to give them some souvenirs.”

“Alright, let’s chat later tonight if you have time.” Hanbin waves on the phone screen and Junhoes does the same.

He also sends his own address in Osaka to Junhoe after they both dropped the video call. He was just fooling around when he said he doesn't want to. His common sense is quick to resurface and he's aware that at least one person should know where he currently is. Junhoe quickly replies and Hanbin huffs in defeat because he just obviously gave his best friend another pass to make fun of him.

9:21am Junhoe

_I knew it u can be adventurous without being stupid, Bin kkkkk Enjoy Japan. *kisses*_

♫

It’s raining and the colder weather is making it hard for Junhoe to go outside and meet Jinhwan and Donghyuk. He asks his mom if she can help him prepare food since he’s calling the two to come over at his house instead.

“Ma, can we set up the table in the living room. I want to prepare _budae jjigae_ for Jinhwan and Donghyuk.” Junhoe calls out to his mom in the kitchen.

“Okay, I’ll just take out what you need from the fridge.” His mom shouts back.

They cautiously lay out the mini stove on the coffee table along with a huge plate of spam, hams, sausages, and another with lettuce, white noodles and ramen, some chili paste and powder. Junhoe grabs a few soju bottles too at the nearby convenience store to complement the spicy, hot stew.

After a few minutes, the doorbell rings and his mom opens the door for Jinhwan and Donghyuk.

“Morning auntie,” greets Jinhwan and Dong in unison.

“Come on in, Junhoe is in the living room.”

“Wow, army stew for us, Junhoe. What a miracle!” Donghyuk palms his cheeks in surprise at the sight of the food on the table because Junhoe would never prepare food for them even on an important occasion.

“I have your souvenirs here.” Junhoe hands one paper bag each to Jinhwan and Donghyuk after the two sat on the floor cross-legged. After they settled and started heating the army stew, Junhoe cracks the much awaited topic of a comeback again this year and probably introducing their new drummer. Jinhwan thinks it would’ve been a complete experience if Hanbin was sitting across the table too whining about the most trivial things in the world then all of sudden gets poetic.

“Why didn’t he come home with you?” Jinhwan asks while he blows the hot food on his bowl.

“He wants to go on a solo trip….” before Junhoe could continue, a Kakaotalk notification pops up on his phone screen.

“Jiwon sent me a message asking for Hanbin’s address in Osaka. Let me send the address to him, one moment.” Junhoe says.

“Oh, are they travelling together?” Donghyuk asks.

“Not sure, I don’t know. Jiwon actually offers to be our tour guide, so he maybe just wants to extend the offer with Hanbin this time.” 

“When is Jiwon coming back to Seoul though?” Jinhwan asks.

“He mentioned his contract doesn’t expire in another week. Maybe after that he might plan to fly back, then we can all meet together by then.”

Jinhwan made a not-so impressed face but he's looking forward to meeting Jiwon. That's the only time they can have a proper discussion on how to revive the band.

“Our meeting has been long overdue, I honestly cannot wait to go back in the studio and record and get back out there on the road.” Donghyuk adds.

The three are hopeful that with Jiwon’s help, they can rewrite Summer Reads' unfinished melody.

♫

Hanbin booked a place in Tennoji district. He specifically chose downtown Osaka so it'd be easier for him to visit Abeno Harukas and experience to oversee the city from its observation deck. This side of Osaka is a little more introverted compare to top attractions like Dotonbori. He has almost half of the entire day to spend exploring the district, but Hanbin finds himself in his own hotel room browsing on his phone for some places to visit. He’ll visit Kyoto in three days and tomorrow he’ll brave his way through the night life in Dotonbori, then a whole fun-filled day at Universal Studios the following day. It’s a simple errand that reminds him that he’s doing all these for himself. That his spontaneity might just unravel a brand new him in the end.

Dusk settles outside and Hanbin heads out to find a restaurant for dinner. It's a perfect time to stroll and take photos of the blazing sunset across the sky. The golden hour. The setting sun painting the city with pinkish orange, drawing square shadows on apartment walls, narrow alleyways, wide streets still picture perfect and Hanbin feels like he’s walking into a place taken straight out of an anime episode; or a boy’s love manga with a heart-breaking ending and an angsty plot.

  
  


♫

Hanbin had a steak for dinner at a small, nondescript pub just a block away from Tennoji main train station. He heads back to his hotel, the picturesque streets are now barely lit, he turns to one that’s only illuminated by the lights coming from the nearest 7/11 store. He walks on the street but gets surprised when he sees Jiwon sitting at a wooden bench next to a vendo machine in front of the store, just a few meters away from his hotel.

“Jiwon?”

“Hey, Hanbin!" Jiwon walks up to him, beaming.

"What are you doing here? Why are you here?" Hanbin asks in utter disbelief.

"I was waiting for you. I know your hotel is just over there,” Jiwon points at the direction of Hanbin's hotel and shyly grins at him.

It pierces Hanbin’s heart at how disarming his smile is. And he might've plunged in to that space where it's all Jiwon's smile he could see on the long, sprawling dimmed street if it weren’t for yesterday night’s heartbreak.

“Huh? Why are you waiting for me? How did you know where I stay?” Hanbin asks, his tone in total disbelief.

“Sorry, I came unannounced. After seeing your message earlier, I asked Junhoe for your hotel address.” Jiwon slips a hand in his pocket when he gets a little shy, the other scratches the back of his head in embarrassment.

“I told you I changed my mind, isn’t that enough. Why do you have to do that?”

Jiwon looks at Hanbin and suddenly the atmosphere feels heavy like a weight dragging them underneath the pavement. 

“Uhm... about that Hanbin, well, I thought of personally asking why you changed your mind and it’s fine, I don’t mind travelling all the way here anyway if that got you upset.” Jiwon’s voice trails off.

“I do.” Hanbin says matter-of-factly. 

”I know it was sudden that I changed my mind. I understand why you’re curious but that’s my decision and you should’ve respected it. You should’ve just asked me on chat, you don’t have to come all the way here and meet me personally.”

Hanbin’s irritation is almost palpable, each word gets on a higher pitch as they escape his mouth. Jiwon is starting to feel his chest constrict. It seems like Hanbin is more annoyed by his mere presence rather than the fact that he showed up unannounced and asked Junhoe where he currently stays.

Suddenly, words suspended in Jiwon’s throat. He doesn't know what to say and Hanbin starts to continue walking towards the hotel, but Jiwon paces quickly to catch up and stops him at his track. It wasn’t his intention to touch Hanbin but he takes his hand to stop him but immediately drops it once they’re face to face.

“I’m sorry, I just needed to know where you stay and thought maybe if I show up.... you would change your mind."

“Really? Isn't it too obvious, Jiwon? I don’t want to spend the rest of my trip with you. What’s so hard to understand with that?”

Jiwon feels a stabbing pain at each word so he stares at the pavement instead to keep his emotions at bay. Hanbin tries to talk in a calm manner but the annoyance in his voice is loud and clear. Worse is he couldn’t even bring himself to apologise by sounding mean, not even at the sight of Jiwon whose eyes now bore so many unanswered questions and expectations Hanbin couldn't meet.

"Last Saturday, this sounds silly but I saw it in your eyes, you were happy when you told me the time you’re leaving, maybe it was only in my head but I was… I was excited and I thought you were too.”

The sky’s grumbling and it threatens to soak the people down below. Some passersby even make a run for their homes while the two remain standing, not knowing how to deal with their own raging storm.

Hanbin tries his best to divert the situation somewhere else, “I think it’s going to rain soon. Just go back to Tokyo and let me....”

“Do I bore you? Am I boring?” Jiwon interrupts him. “I mean I don’t know much about arts so I just listened to you most of the time when we were in the museum. And I refused to share my favourite animes with you at the park because I prefer hearing you tell about yours, I know we only exchanged a few small talks and I probably said a lot of nonsense that might’ve turned you off, but I enjoyed every single minute I was with you.” 

It's painful and shocking how Hanbin is keeping it together to look invincible, meanwhile Jiwon doesn't seem to mind being vulnerable in front of him. Jiwon is too honest. And Hanbin is starting to hate how Jiwon talks in such a lifeless monotone. If he opens his mouth once more, words might betray him and make him ask Jiwon to stay instead.

“Just go back, Jiwon.” Hanbin begs, he urgently needs to get this over with so he can crawl onto his bed and forget this night ever happened.

The sound of thunderstorms above the night sky gets louder than the erratic beats of their hearts. They’re standing close to each other but their heart and mind are miles away in the distance.

“Can you at least give me an explanation? I won’t bother you ever again. Just tell me why.” Jiwon demands.

“Are you serious? Do I really need to elaborate and tell you why? Why are you so persistent?” Hanbin's annoyance resurfaces.

“Because it sucks that you’re just bailing out and it pisses me off because I’m starting to assume I did something you did not like but I’ll never know!”

Jiwon is halfway into yelling, being angry and demanding further explanation but his voice remained brittle. 

“Can you at least tell me?” He pleads.

Every word he says pierces Hanbin's heart and suddenly guilt scalds over him. It will hurt less if he gets honest and just tells Jiwon he got upset after hearing about his girlfriend. Hanbin wishes he masters the art of getting by, instead of playing mind games with Jiwon.

“You have a girlfriend.” Hanbin mumbles and looks away, but Jiwon is attentive enough to catch each word and stares at him, completely caught off guard.

It starts drizzling.

“W-what? What girlfriend?” Jiwon’s eyebrows furrow in bewilderment.

“You have a girlfriend. You should be with her, you shouldn’t be spending a whole week with a complete stranger like me.”

Hanbin takes one last look at him and starts to walk back to the entrance of the hotel again, but this time Jiwon stops him by putting a firm hold on his shoulders.

“Wait, Hanbin. What are you talking about? I don’t have a girlfriend.” 

They look each other in the eyes, Hanbin’s gaze is stern and cold, Jiwon’s is hopeful and probing. Hanbin dismisses them and takes his hands off his shoulders.

“Where did that even come from, Hanbin? Is that the reason why you’re bailing out? I don’t have a girlfriend.” Jiwon weakly smiles at him.

“I went to the club last night. It was a bad idea but I wanted to see you spin.”

“You went to the club?” Jiwon gasps in surprise, “it’s full house every Sunday, it’s crowded, why did you….”

“It doesn’t matter now, I need to get back inside. It’s going to rain soon, you should go back too.”

“Let me guess, the DJ you saw last night, you thought she’s my girlfriend, right? Or was it someone else? Can you tell me?” Jiwon catches his breath to calm his racing heart.

“If that’s the reason why you’re upset then you should’ve asked me directly, Hanbin. I would’ve told you everything.”

The drizzle turns into big drops of rain followed by a louder thunder. Jiwon looks up at the sky, letting raindrops pour against his skin. It’s easier to say that Hanbin should’ve asked him directly about what the bartender told him, but he’s not comfortable asking him personal questions or confronting him with his feelings when they knew they’re barely familiar with each other. Hanbin is not built like that. He’d rather overthink, run away and hide with all the wistful scenarios in his head than be confrontational.

“I’m sorry. I’m going back in. Please be safe on your way back.” Hanbin walks hurriedly towards the hotel.

“I booked a place nearby, if you want to talk this out or if you change your mind again, I’ll be here, I’ll wait for you.” Jiwon says rather loudly.

Hanbin hears everything before disappearing behind the hotel doors, but he doesn't bother looking back at Jiwon. Once he’s inside his room, he plops onto his bed and muffles his scream against the bed sheets. He feels pathetic and sorry for himself.

  
  


♫

Hanbin's munching a chocolate bar, looking outside, trying to make out the view behind the rain water dripping on the window. Jiwon says he booked a place nearby but he probably got soaked on his way back by the heavy rains.

He could hardly sleep because the scene back on the street keeps on replaying in his head. Of course the conversation could've gone differently had he not sidetracked his own feelings in the first place. But it's Hanbin's weakness: being honest with what he feels and speaking his mind. Plus, his self-deprecation always catches up, so in the end, he’s always the loser.

His phone lights up and he sees a chat message from Jiwon.

10:31pm

[Jiwon] _idk who told u about my girlfriend whoever she is, but i'm tellin you she’s non-existent... if you could just let me explain, Hanbin._

[Hanbin] _why_ _can’t you just drop this and go back?_

[Jiwon] _bcoz_ _I refuse to. I told you I want to spend more time with you, pls give me a chance to get to kno u more... i want to get to know u more._

[Hanbin] _That’s funny though, because I’m telling you as early as now you’ll be disappointed because I’m a boring person. Don’t waste your time on me._

[Jiwon] _then_ _let me see it myself let's go on a trip for a week, then let me decide if you’re boring or not._

Hanbin hates the way his words patched together splattered with conceit all over it. Maybe it's the anger that's pressing his button to misunderstand him, or maybe he just doesn't really know him. Maybe he never will.

[Hanbin] _I don’t need someone like you to tell me if I’m boring or not._

[Jiwon] _OK, I’m sorry, Hanbin. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come off that way.. fuck, I’m sorry~_

Hanbin really just wants to turn off his phone and forget everything in his sleep, when another message comes in.

[Jiwon] _I know I’m annoying i'm sorry if i keep on insisting.... I know we’re still strangers to each other, but I can’t go back down now so I’ll just keep asking u until you say yes_

Jiwon's unwavering resolve is consistent and genuine, and Hanbin knows he's being unfair from the beginning. Succumbing to what he wants to say doesn't mean he's invalidating his own pain and just letting things slide, after all, what happened was just all in his head. The only way he could clarify things is by giving Jiwon a chance to explain— which is something he's consistently denying him.

[Hanbin] _Is she really not your girlfriend? The DJ?_

Somewhere out there Jiwon is letting out a huge sigh of relief because Hanbin might finally be on the same boat with him in clearing this confusion.

[Jiwon] _If you’re worried that I’m cheating on a girl by travelling with u all alone, then u hav to believe me when I say I don’t have a gf to begin with. Is that why you’re upset?_

Hanbin buries his face against his pillow in pure embarrassment. He let the word of the bartender got into him, but the girl is too pretty, anyone would easily believe Jiwon could be dating her. To dodge Jiwon’s question, he keeps his reply as plain and short as possible.

[Hanbin] _Okay._

[Jiwon] _Ok? What’s that supposed to mean you didn’t answer my question._

[Hanbin] _I mean okay, I believe you._

[Jiwon] _Did u really go to the club? What wer u thinking?_

Hanbin remembers that he mentioned that part to Jiwon. He doesn’t have to know how he initially planned to surprise him but things went awry which resulted in both of them having this conversation. He'd rather keep it to himself, so he refuses to reply.

[Jiwon] _Are you asleep?_

[Hanbin] _No._

[Jiwon] _Can we at least talk,, It doesn’t have to be tomorrow? just take your time. I’m willing to wait~_

[Hanbin] _Okay._

[Jiwon] _You’re not mad at me?_

[Hanbin] _No._

[Jiwon] _r_ _u sure? I mean it’s okay if you’re mad at me. At least I have something to work on so the next time you will no longer be~_

Jiwon doesn't deserve all the one-worded replies and the intentional cold treatment. Hanbin feels pathetic and he wishes Jiwon could just let things go and forget about him, because Hanbin won't be able to forgive himself if this goes on.

[Hanbin] _Yes._

[Jiwon] _Thank youuuu I feel so much better with that. You’re probably tired. Go to sleep, good nyt, Hanbinie :)_

Hanbin didn’t mean to stare at the last word for too long. When Junhoe and Jiwon were out to see a live band, he was also in an empty room all alone, telling himself he’d never go against what his heart says, but he just successfully avoided to explain how he truly feels to Jiwon. He’s being unfair and if the thinks that evens out the pain he’s feeling, he’s wrong.

The rain outside gets heavier and it mirrors the burdens that Hanbin is trying to dislodge from the depth of his chest. It gets sadder when it rains. Two years ago when he heard the news, the sky was already gloomy and the rain never stops ever since. He just got used to it, he's been too absorbed by his own loneliness and yearning to be loved again that he forgot that someone like him still deserves the sunshine after the rain. He needs to shrink the gaping hole in his chest before it grows bigger. He doesn’t wanna go to sleep with a heavy heart, like he did two years ago. He could still save this situation, so he picks up his phone again and sends Jiwon a reply.

[Hanbin] _Good night, too. I’m sorry. Please don’t get sick._

He'll create his own sunshine from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could barely finish this chapter thanks to Taylor Swift's Folklore ㅠㅠ My goal was to make this chapter as angsty as possible but I don't think I could write something as gripping for my dear life but I hope it made you feel something. Feel free to leave a comment below ㅠㅠ


	4. Like Summer Heat

The room was cold yet his skin felt like it caught a fire. He squints at the sunbeams through the windows the moment he opens his eyes, trying to orient himself how early or late in the morning he has woken up. Last night left him weary but somewhat hopeful. It felt like a dream but it was real. He was walking back to his own hotel under the pouring rain, knowing full well the direction but he still felt lost. He should’ve rushed, so he won’t get sick. That’s what Erin would’ve probably told him: to run fast and find shelter.

Jiwon has a fever; he took out some Tylenol and plops back onto his bed to recall the scenes from last night. Hanbin was closing in on him and he knew his time was running out. There was no option left but to brave his way through to see how it ends. He felt like he was walking into an uncharted territory, the surroundings are unfamiliar but he went to explore the place anyway. He found Hanbin and tried to desperately climb up his wall, reach for his hand but Hanbin kept on consistently refusing to help him. Jiwon should’ve given up the moment Hanbin told him to go back to Tokyo and respected his space, but his feet kept dragging him back closer to him like a strong magnetic field, pulling him with full force. The more Hanbin refuses to talk, the more he begs for even bite-sized of his feelings and emotions. Jiwon feels pathetic. Maybe because he hates unspoken words and he's not a mindreader; or maybe because it’s starting to make sense that Hanbin is a puzzle and fitting each piece together to see the whole is not an easy task.

Jiwon lets out a groan after feeling his temple slightly throb. Good, now he has a headache too. He takes a glance at the clock on the bedside and it reads 9:15am. That’s technically late if he is to seize the day, way too late. He checks his phone on the bed and recharges it while he takes a shower. His temperature has already subsided but he doesn’t feel like going out yet. 

He dries off his hair and changes into a plain white tee. Seeing an unread message on his Kakaotalk chat put a frown on his face. It’s nearly impossible to receive a chat message from Hanbin and he also remembers sending him the last message last night, but his eyes widened seeing who actually did.

[Hanbin] _Good night, too. I’m sorry. Please don’t get sick._

Jiwon swallows hard. _What? So he replied to my last message?_ He wonders how late they could’ve stayed last night had he replied and told him there’s nothing to be sorry about. He stares at the message long enough to be thrown in that space full of paradoxes: Hanbin told him to not get sick and he woke up with a fever. Hanbin felt sorry when all he wanted was for him to speak his mind. It’s thoughtful and Jiwon feels like shit. As if that wasn't enough, he also recalls that he told Hanbin he’d stay away if he tells him the truth, and realising now how shallow the root cause was for him to give Hanbin that kind of ultimatum makes him want to drill his head against the concrete wall. Hanbin got upset because he thought he was cheating on a girl with him? And Hanbin would have simply walked away after telling him that.

[Jiwon] _Mornin’ Hanbin, I just woke up and saw ur message. There’s nothing to apologise for it’s ok…_

[Hanbin] _It'_ _s almost 10am, you got sick didn’t you?_

[Jiwon] _Hehe yeah but I feel okay now…..are u worried?_

[Hanbin] _I was kind of expecting that you would catch a cold. I told you to go back before it rains, you’re an idiot._

Jiwon wouldn’t have thought that they’d be having this conversation. Reading Hanbin’s messages makes him gooey inside and he also doesn’t seem to mind being called an idiot.

[Jiwon] _I took a Tylenol. I feel a lot better now I guess. What are u doing, where are u now by the way?_

[Hanbin] _I’m right outside Osaka castle. I met this buddhist monk earlier when I joined a zen class by the river. He taught us how to properly meditate it’s nice, I feel like doing it again~_

Hanbin managed to ramble as though last night wasn’t about the constant push and pull, probing and pleading that made Jiwon assume would make things awkward between them. Before Jiwon could compose a reply telling Hanbin to enjoy the day, another chat message came in.

[Hanbin] _I’m going to Universal Studios tomorrow, wanna go with me?_

The sudden excitement and relief instantly wash all over Jiwon’s face. The itinerary he made won’t end up in the trash after all.

[Jiwon] _I would luv to. Tell me the time and place and I’ll meet u there~_

[Hanbin] _Let’s meet outside 7/11 near entrance 13, Tennoji main train station, 8am. Don’t be late!_

[Jiwon] _I won’t! ^^ Wait, r we buying the tickets at the gates or?_

[Hanbin] _I can buy us the tickets online to save time._

[Jiwon] _Yeah that’ll be better so we don’t have to fall in line. I’ll pay u tomorrow~_

[Hanbin] _No sweat, just pay for my food *winks*_

[Jiwon] _Alrighty, you can pick whatever u want but plsdon’t force me to buy u any alcoholic drink *grins*_

[Hanbin] _That’s…ugh. I can hold my drink, okay?_

[Jiwon] _If you say so *winks*_

[Hanbin] _Anyway, I gotta go. See you tomorrow!_

[Jiwon] _See you, Hanbin!_

Jiwon lies back on the bed wearing his biggest smile. Hanbin is unpredictable and Jiwon is starting to like that feeling of being unsure about how things will go from here. 

  
  


♫

  
  
  


Jiwon immediately spots Hanbin in his line of vision. Hanbin’s entering the train station, his soft curls dangling down on his forehead; he’s wearing a black turtleneck underneath a suede dark gray jacket, black slack pants and a pair of Chuck Taylor. Jiwon waves at him the moment they made eye contact. 

“Hey. How are you?” Hanbin approaches him.

“I’ve been feeling a lot better since yesterday. Thanks for checking on me.”

“Glad to hear that. Did you buy anything inside?” 

Hanbin eyes the convenience store over Jiwon’s shoulders.

“I didn’t but we can grab something before we go. Have you eaten breakfast? Want to buy something?” Jiwon asks.

“Uhm.... I’m not actually hungry. Let’s just eat at the park.” 

  
  
  


The train is packed but this minor inconvenience is nothing compared to the impending chaos that awaits Hanbin at the theme park. But he worries less about that now since Jiwon is with him. He would always worry less so long as he has someone accompanying him.

Train rides are oddly quiet. While Hanbin finds something profoundly poetic with lingering silence around him, Jiwon on the other hand couldn’t stand it. The latter notices how Hanbin has been keeping an eye on the girls in school uniform standing by the door, so he clears his throat and pretentiously coughs to get Hanbin’s attention.

“What’s wrong?” Hanbin turns at him.

“Nothing. I just noticed you tensely looking at the girls since we hopped in.” Jiwon raises an eyebrow at him.

“Ah…. that, I don't know." Hanbin rubs his nape before he continues, "I just wanna make sure that the guys standing next to them keep their hands to themselves.” 

”Oh. So you know _Chikan_ in Japan huh." 

Hanbin nods.

“But perverts are everywhere, so you should look after yourself too.”

Hanbin gives Jiwon a tight-lipped smile and nods in agreement, “yeah. Thanks for the reminder.” 

  
  


They arrived at the Universal Studios station and the surge of people alighting the train immediately made Hanbin anxious. Everyone is heading in the same direction and the view looks like those small black and white dots in low-quality photos— there’s too much noise fused with the sound of shuffling feet on the steps, the laughter and the excitement amongst the throng. It’s almost dizzying for Hanbin.

He didn’t wait for the train to be completely empty though before they got moving. It would take them the whole day if he did. Little steps to knock off the fright. He starts to walk with Jiwon next to him who’s wearing an encouraging smile. They skipped the long lines at the ticket booth but the overwhelming number of visitors flocking in every attraction they go didn't spare them the stress of waiting in line for their turn.

Hanbin suggested trying the Flying Dinosaur first since the line was moving quickly and not because he’s into extreme roller coaster rides. One of the staff calls out for the next five people in line and leads them to their respective seats in the roller coaster car. It’s their turn. Hanbin starts to have cold feet after the staff buckled them for safety and told them that their seat will hold their body facing downwards.

“Just scream, it’ll be less scary.” Jiwon advises him.

Hanbin is a bit dubious of the suggestion but nods anyway. 

The sound of the familiar clicking machine starts to make Hanbin’s heart slowly pace. Every inch they move adds to the suspense as the Flying Dinosaur slowly ascends at the highest point of the rail, preparing for that rapid, long drop.

“Oh my god, Jiwon!” Hanbin blurts out.

Jiwon lets out a chuckle at how scared and pale Hanbin looks with his hands firmly gripping on his seat as the coaster car stops at the highest point on the rail track. Hearing people on the other cars scream doesn’t seem to help Hanbin relax too, so he closes his eyes before it drops and hurtles them on circular rails. He also heard Jiwon’s laughter before that. The car accelerates back up and Hanbin thinks the roller coaster and his heart rate are at a speed race to the finish line. And now he’s screaming with all his might. Jiwon is right. The roller coaster car continues to speeds off and Hanbin already feels like throwing up if it doesn’t come into a halt.

“I feel like my internal organs have been upended and jumbled into a big pile of mush.” Hanbin sighs.

They’re walking out from The Flying Dinosaur and heading to their next stop.

“You’ve never tried extreme rides before? We have _Everland_ back at home.” Jiwon asks.

“Yeah… well, I actually did when I was a kid. But that was a long time ago so that doesn’t count.” Hanbin sticks out his tongue in exhaustion.

People will always have that particular story or a favourite thing from their childhood that they carry with them as they grow up. For Hanbin and Jiwon, the magic of Harry Potter stories is one of those. They went to the _Wizarding World_ and agreed to spend one and half hours waiting in line to experience the thrill of _Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey._ If there’s one attraction they’d keep coming back to despite the tedious waiting time, this would be it. They also took a photo at the _Hogwarts Express_ after and grabbed some _Butterbee_ _r_ from the carriage store just across the express train. No matter how much Hanbin wants to enjoy checking out every attraction inside _,_ the overwhelming crowd simply makes the experience less exciting for him. He's thankful that Jiwon understands and tries to be patient with him. Hanbin got shy to ask if they could take a rest somewhere because he wants to look all fired up for the day, but he gives in when he sees an empty wrought-iron bench outside the _Honeydukes’_ store, so he finally asks Jiwon if they can lounge for a while instead.

“Jiwon, what’s your house?” Hanbin asks.

“Hufflepuff. Why?” The answer almost made Hanbin spit his butterbeer.

“You’re a badger?”

“Yeah, why do you sound surprised?” Jiwon squints at him.

“That was unexpected. You give me that vibe of someone from Gryffindor.” Hanbin scoffs.

“I get that a lot, and you?”

“Me? I’m a Slytherin.” Hanbin smirks to dramaticise his answer.

“Really? You don’t look like someone who can stomach hanging out with the likes of Draco Malfoy.” Jiwon snickers, “anyway, do you still wanna try some rides or?”

Hanbin takes out his phone and checks his itinerary. “Wait let me see my itinerary. I know I have other places to visit today, it says here _watch the sunset at Abeno Harukas_.” 

Hanbin almost uttered that it’d be nicer if they can spend the golden hour together, but ended up veiling the words into a meek smile.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Jiwon instantly saves him from his misery.

“Yeah I mean... I thought you’re coming with me for the whole week?” Hanbin says coyly.

He’s aware that Jiwon feels the need to ask him every time because he once told him he’d rather enjoy the trip solo. But he can’t say that out loud now.

“Yeah, I just have to ask you, you know. It’s already 4pm, should we go now?” 

“It's fine, we can leave now.”

They head back to Tennoji and weave their way through the crowded train station. They left when everyone was heading to work and school and now they’re going back when everyone was in a rush to get to their homes.

  
  
  


♫

  
  


“Wow!”

Jiwon is in absolute awe gaping at the entire city of Osaka from up above. They’re on the top floor of the highest skyscraper in Japan. Hanbin has personally heard from some people that there’s nothing special in overseeing the city from high places, but looking at how gorgeous and tiny the city looks now puts some perspective to the common hearsay; or maybe people just have an awful preference when it comes to certain things.

“We can also go to the helipad though but I think it’s only limited to eight people and the two guards patrolling, just in case someone tries to jump off.” Hanbin says casually.

“Should we go? I think it’s too windy today.”

“Yeah it’d feel like riding The Flying Dinosaur again. Plus we have to pay for the entrance ticket separately.”

“Hanbin, look—” Jiwon calls for Hanbin’s attention.

Hanbin’s focus immediately sways at the rough surface on the tall glass window in the room. Everything is transparent wherever you stand, so one must squint to see whatever it is that's etched on each glass window. Jiwon runs his fingertips on each embossed letter and they both take a closer look to read what it is. 

“Ichi-go ichi- e.” Hanbin reads softly.

“What does that mean?”

An older Japanese woman leisurely going around the room happened to overhear them.

“How can I help these two gorgeous young men?”

The older woman approaches them. Hanbin and Jiwon turn to see her in behind and greet her in unison.

“Hi.”

“I’m one of the tourist assistants here. Feel free to ask me questions, gentlemen.” 

“Oh, could you tell us what this means?” Jiwon points on the letters etched on the glass window.

“Hmmm… _Ichi-go Ichi-e_. Such a beautiful idiom." The woman says.

"In Japanese idioms, those words mean that any of us should cherish each encounter as if it’s a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. That meeting a person should be treated as if it’s our first or last time with them, because a single encounter cannot be repeated or may not happen again in the same lifetime. Beautiful isn’t it? We should always remind ourselves of that, no?” 

Jiwon and Hanbin listened to her attentively. She explained the meaning behind the words with the aura of an old soul travelling to the present. She took Hanbin and Jiwon to a trip down memory lane— a memory that wasn’t there.

“There are other Japanese idioms and proverbs etched on each window around the room. It’s one of the distinct designs of this building. We aim to keep the tourists curious even when they’re lazing out, being mesmerised by the outside view. You can check them out. I will be happy to explain each one of them.” The older woman offers.

“Thank you, ma’am, but we’ll just watch the sunset for now.” Jiwon politely tells the older woman.

“Okay then, I’ll leave you two now. Enjoy the sunset.” 

They all bow to each other and Jiwon and Hanbin watch the older woman resume to walk around the floor offering assistance to other tourists.

They turn to each other and both flash a tight-lipped smile. The silence lingers long enough until the sun sets. The sky is bleeding and the two are engulfed in watching the sun slowly vanish in the horizon, and behind that mirage in the distance lies their promise that if there’s a better time to start cherishing an encounter with someone as if it’s a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, that time would be now.

♫

Life has an awful sense of humour— that’s how Jiwon wants to put it. Last night, Hanbin almost slipped through his fingertips and yet tonight, here he is, next to him. They’re walking back together to his hotel. Their hotels are situated in two opposite directions but his feet trudge along where Hanbin goes. Maybe Jiwon doesn’t want the day to end as continues to walk with his head hung low until Hanbin calls out for his name.

“Jiwon?” 

“Yes?” Jiwon turns to see Hanbin standing in front of his hotel.

“We’re here. Are you still with me?” Hanbin softly chuckles.

“Sorry about that.” Jiwon scratches his head.

“Thanks for today. I enjoyed it.”

“Yeah, no worries.” 

They’re both waiting for each other to say something they both wanted to hear, whatever it was. Jiwon always comes to their rescue.

“Hanbin?”

Hanbin raises his eyebrows at him.

“Let’s go out again tomorrow.”

“I’m travelling to Kyoto tomorrow, so you’re coming with me?”

“Yes, I can look for a place there tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll give you my address, maybe you can book the same place as mine.” 

There’s the excitement in Hanbin’s voice.

“Right, right. All the better.”

Their feet remain frozen on the ground, neither one of them wanting to bid goodbye just yet. But they have to.

“I’m heading back now, see you tomorrow.” 

Jiwon waves at Hanbin and starts to walk back to the direction of his hotel. Hanbin remains outside looking at Jiwon’s figure getting farther and farther in the dim distance.

♫

No matter how tiring the day has been, Hanbin couldn’t help but open his laptop and check his work emails before going to sleep. It’s like his brain is wired to do this or else the unread emails will haunt him in his sleep. There was an email from Yunhyeong—his closest colleague—asking him if he remembers their former boss owning a house in Kyoto. It’s the house he and Yunhyeong have been wanting to visit. Yunhyeong told their former boss, Aya, that Hanbin is having a holiday in Japan and Hanbin would love to pay a visit in her house. A simple visit turned into an offer of a free lodging since Aya will be out of Kyoto for 4 days. The house will be empty by then. Aya told Yunhyeong to relay this message to Hanbin and he would be damned to pass up a free accommodation and the chance to stay in such a beautiful house for three nights. He immediately sent Yunhyeong a message thanking him for this favour. 

His excitement was cut short when his phone lights up. It’s a message from Jiwon.

[Jiwon] _Hanbin, can i have ur hotel’s address so i can book a room tonite?_

[Hanbin] _Oh yeah, about that. I forgot to tell you, my colleague literally just emailed me, I’ll be staying in my former boss’s house in Arashiyama district for 3 nights. Maybe you can book a place nearby. Sorry this was sudden, I was about to chat with you :(_

[Jiwon] _aye c'mon it’s fine, wait, did u just say a house? All 2 urself?_

[Hanbin] _Yup. My former boss owns the house. Drop by first with me so you’ll see, what do you think?_

[Jiwon] _yeh sure, btw im looking for an Airbnb around Arashiyama now I’ll let u know. what time does ur train leave?_

[Hanbin] _At 9am, haven’t you booked your ticket?_

[Jiwon] _I forgot to ask you earlier, but yeh let’s just leave tmrrw at 9am._

[Hanbin] _Okay I’ll wait for you at Umeda station._

♫

  
  


Hanbin keeps his sweaty palms in the back pockets of his jeans while he waits for Jiwon. His mind buzzing, intensified by the ground pulsating against his feet as the train approaches. He’s standing on the platform, the train is approaching, yet Jiwon is nowhere to be seen. So this is what Jiwon must've felt when he bailed out that morning. That awful feeling when you’re waiting for someone you’re expecting to show up, but then you’re suddenly not sure anymore. It’s 8:55am, and the train leaves in 5 minutes.

“Hanbin!”

He almost jumps hearing that familiar voice.

“I forgot Umeda station has 32 exits. You bet I missed mine and got lost.” Jiwon catches his breath and grins at him.

“You're here and you're safe. That’s what matters.” And suddenly Hanbin feels a lot better after speaking what's on his mind.

Long train rides always remind Hanbin of one of his favourite films. The only difference is the stranger didn't ask him if he can take the seat next to him and what book he's reading, instead he sleeps like a dog right next to his seat. The 9am schedule must’ve been too early for Jiwon. They’ll drop by first in the house in Arashiyama, then Jiwon will find his hotel all alone. Hanbin wishes he and Jiwon could just stay in the same house, only if it were up to him.

They took a cab going to Arashiyama and the taxi driver dropped them off at the address Yunhyeong gave to him. Hanbin sees the silver plate bearing the house address but even without it, there’s no mistaking that the huge, modernised Japanese style house in front of him is designed by Aya. Hanbin doesn't know her style but the house's aura feels just like _her_. Intelligent and chic. Aya must've seen the boys standing right outside her house and with a press of a button, the gate automatically opens and Hanbin and Jiwon go straight inside.

“Hanbin! Long time no see. Welcome to my humble abode.” Aya descends from the wooden, lacquered staircase and wraps Hanbin in a bone-crushing hug.

“Your abode is far from humble, Aya. I didn’t expect the house to be this big…. and gorgeous. Wow.”

“A beautifully designed house is my favourite place, you should know that by now!” 

Hanbin gives her an impressed look.

“By the way who do we have here? Your boyfriend?”

Aya gives Jiwon a once-over and hums as if to give him an approval.

“He’s my…. my travel buddy. Jiwon, Aya, my former boss. Aya— Jiwon.” Hanbin slightly falters.

“Nice meeting you, Jiwon.”

“Nice meeting you too. You have a gorgeous house.”

“Yup, I know. I’m allergic to ugly houses.” Aya beams at him.

“So speaking of my house, I’m actually leaving today. I was just waiting for you. I’ll be out for 4 days and I’m sure Yunhyeong told you that already. I’m attending a design expo in Tokyo, so Hanbin… make sure you don’t burn my house into ashes or else your ass will never see the Korean light ever again.”

“I will not burn your house down, Aya. ”

Hanbin raises his right hand to keep the promise.

“Good. You too, Jiwon. You can stay here with Hanbin.”

“Huh?” Hanbin and Jiwon look at each other, wide-eyed in surprise.

“Wait, me too?” Jiwon asks, dumbfounded.

“The house has four main bedrooms and Hanbin is really clumsy. You also don’t look like someone who can commit arson, so yes. You can stay in my house, Jiwon. Feel free to get yourself a room. I have some food stored in the kitchen Hanbin, so feel free to cook. You know, just feel at home, okay?”

Aya pats both of them in the arm.

“Wow.” That’s all Jiwon could muster.

“Gosh you two are so good-looking. Do you have a girlfriend, Jiwon?” 

Hanbin missed filling in Jiwon that his former boss is actually a parrot turned human.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, Aya.”

“Waaaa, really? How about a boyfriend?” 

Jiwon takes a quick side glance at Hanbin before answering.

“Uhm no, no boyfriend either.”

“Wow. Would you take me out on a date sometime?” Aya winks at him.

“Aya I think we need to put our luggage first inside our room—” Hanbin intervenes.

“I’ll go first.” Jiwon excuses himself and goes upstairs.

The smooth intervention immediately earned a snicker and some judgmental look from Aya and Hanbin just shrugs her off.

“Anyway, I gotta go. My driver must be waiting for me in the garage. Feel at home. Bye!” 

Aya dashes outside and Hanbin shouts his goodbye. “Have a safe trip and enjoy the expo!”

♫

  
  
  


Hanbin occupies the room next to Jiwon’s. It’s lunchtime and Jiwon hasn’t come out of his room yet. Hanbin knocks on his door and opens it when no one answered. He sees Jiwon sprawled on his bed, sleeping. It rained around noon so Jiwon stayed inside while Hanbin tried to memorise all the quaint, important details of the house. The porch is facing the panoramic, zen garden, its beauty emits enough energy to relieve some of his stress and squeeze out some inspiration from him. He dreams of designing a house similar to this. A house that’s intricately built with a classic, ancient inspiration but designed with modernity. He takes out his sketchpad and tries to draw while basking in the tranquility of the front yard. 

Sundown fell—Hanbin left his sketchpad on the porch and went to the kitchen to prepare their dinner. He sees Jiwon checking the food inside the fridge.

“Hey, you’re awake. What does she have there?”

“She’s crazy for keeping A1 meat in her kitchen.” Jiwon yawns.

“Really? Let’s cook that one.”

“Are you sure? Aren’t these too expensive for a simple dinner?”

“I mean I can’t cook seafood since you’re allergic to them. And you haven’t eaten yet, so I’ll just prepare us a steak.”

“Aish, okay okay. What do I need to prepare?”

“Wait hold on, I got this. Can you get my sketchpad outside though? I left it on the porch.”

Jiwon turns to leave him in the kitchen and Hanbin suddenly notices how broad Jiwon’s back is. He never really paid attention to his build even when he first saw him naked back when they’re bathing in the _onsen_. He shakes the thought away and tries to focus on preparing the meat.

Hanbin is already half way into finishing his pan-seared steak and Jiwon still hasn’t returned to the kitchen, when all of a sudden the smell of burning woods wafts around the house. Hanbin panics and dashes to the porch.

“Jiwon? Jiwon, I smell fire, what—” Hanbin freezes at what he saw.

There’s a fire bowl in the lawn, with its flames dancing without embers billowing around from the burning woods.

“I saw this fire bowl in the storage behind the garden and some chopped logs so I thought of taking them out and making a bonfire. Here it is.” Jiwon presents the bonfire with pride. 

“That’s pretty—" Hanbin huffs as relief scalds all over him, "whew, I thought we burnt a portion of the house already and it’s our first night!”

Hanbin dramatically slumps and just let his wobbling knees buckle. A gravelly laughter escapes Jiwon’s throat at the sight.

“Let’s have a drink here after dinner. How does that sound for you?” Jiwon asks.

The dancing flames and the sound of the logs crackling under the fire seems like a perfect moodsetter for a date night. The sky is clear and the air is crisp, they haven’t gone outside for the whole day but Hanbin thinks it’s not too late to cap the day off with a romantic date by a bonfire.

“Okay, I guess it’s a date then?”

“Yup, it’s a date.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my it's been over a month, anyway I know this is boring but please hang in there, we'll have a double b date in the next chapter it’s going to be heavy in dialogues then maybe the backstory next to put some sense in the story lol (finally) my goal is to post the next chapter by Saturday, hopefully I can commit :)


	5. Unless They Were Dancing

Seeing Hanbin excited made Jiwon happy and hearing him dub tonight's dinner as a date took him by surprise. He never thought of this as a date, but he guessed a simple dinner by the bonfire is as close to being on one. He took it upon himself to lead this trip and take Hanbin to places he listed down on his itinerary. A night market by the Kamogawa river sprung first into mind, it topped his list. They can opt to watch the fireworks by the riverside and the night spring festival from a distance; but right now, right here, there’s nothing he could ask for more than spend this frigid night with Hanbin over some good wine and conversations that stir the soul. 

“Let’s just bring the food out here and grab some wine. Aya must have expensive wines kept in her kitchen. Do you think she has a wine cellar?” Hanbin starts to walk back inside the house.

“She must have, this house is huge. But are you sure about the wine? Can you hold it?” Jiwon cocks his head on the side, smirking at him. 

“I already told you back in the park that I can hold my drink. You won’t have to look after me later.”

Hanbin has to keep his alcohol consumption at bay. It’d be embarrassing to get drunk and be tended by Jiwon. Memories of the night before seemingly fade into a haze the next morning too whenever he gets drunk. He’d die a shameful death begging Jiwon to tell him anything about tonight if that happens.

  
  


They carefully laid the plates and the bottle of wine on the porch floor outside, and Jiwon is right, Aya has her own wine cellar. With the amount of expensive wine kept underground, he knew Aya is the kind of woman who staggers her way around her home to find the light switch without spilling her wine.

Hanbin excused himself for a moment to get his film camera upstairs and busied himself outside making a decent picnic arrangement.

“This looks cosy.” Hanbin smiles in satisfaction while taking a photograph.

“I guess we’re settled then?” Jiwon clears his throat.

“Yeah, but there’s something missing.”

“What?”

“The music? To set the mood?”

“We can have the music later, how about we play a game first while we eat?” 

“What game?” Hanbin asks while he sits cross-legged on the porch floor and tucking his sketchpad underneath the picnic blanket.

“Let’s ask each other questions, strictly personal ones. What do you think?” Jiwon shoots Hanbin finger guns.

Hanbin has no idea how personal Jiwon wants to get, but he’s down for it. He could either throw away his gauntlet and overshare, or, be furtive and serve a small fraction of his life story if that’s what it takes to keep the night interesting. It’s not like Jiwon would require him to reveal his skeletons and deepest desires or anything in between to qualify for the game.

“Okay, I’m cool with it. But how’d we know if either of us are being honest with our answers? What if I choose to lie?” Hanbin asks, the corner of his mouth curving into a smirk.

“If you’re a professional liar then lucky for you, you can just lie to me all night and I’ll never know.”

The statement somehow caught Hanbin off guard. Unsure whether it's a snide remark.

“Fine, I won’t lie. You should too.”

“Deal. You also have to drink an entire glass of wine every time you refuse to answer. That’s the punishment.” 

“Okay, so…. are you going to start? How about a warm up?” 

“Go ahead, try asking me for a practice,” Jiwon says.

“Hmmm, how many girlfriends did you have in the past?” 

Hanbin wasn’t exactly sure why it was the first question that slipped through his mouth, but it seems fitting for an introduction considering how their previous episode on the street stemmed from his assumption that Jiwon has a girlfriend.

“That’s easy, none.” Jiwon answers confidently.

“Ah that’s not true, you’re lying already!” Hanbin whines.

“I’m serious!"

"No, you're not!"

Jiwon contains himself from laughing at the sight of Hanbin kicking the air like a baby as he whines.

"Fine, I had a girlfriend before, just one, but we broke up a long time ago.” 

“What happened? Mind sharing?”

“Wait, is that another question? Isn't it supposed to be my turn now?” Jiwon squints, trying to outsmart his way out of the follow-up.

“There’s no rule saying we can't ask another question and this is a practice, remember? Since you mentioned having a girlfriend before might as well share your side of the story.” Hanbin looks at Jiwon with a smug expression.

“Nah, it was a long time ago, I don’t even remember much of it.” 

He’s not trying to dodge the question nor is he reluctant to answer. Jiwon genuinely thinks there’s really nothing worth remembering about his past relationship. But maybe it was a spur-of-the-moment decision or his heart and mind betrayed him, because all of a sudden he found himself telling the story to Hanbin nonetheless— that if there were vivid memories with his ex-girlfriend that he could picture now, that would be the fights that eventually led to a fallout and how he never had the upper hand. She was older than him, more experienced, more mature; he felt taken care of but somewhat intimidated. It’s such a pity because it was his first time being in a relationship and he might’ve glorified it too much, only to see it collapsed in the end.

Jiwon went on and felt at ease doing so. It’s easier to tell stories like this now because they no longer carry the same weight. Memories like this are not forgotten, they only become insignificant through time. 

“That’s all of it. Take it or leave it. Let’s do this properly this time, I’ll start.”

Jiwon reverts the mood back to the game seamlessly before he gets utterly drowned by nostalgia.

“No, I’ll start.” Hanbin rebuts.

“Fire way.”

“Uhm, which gender are you more attractive to?”

An easy-peasy question for Jiwon. 

“Either. I get attracted to whoever I get attracted to, may it be a man or a woman. Does it matter though, the sex?”

“Are we talking about the _sex_ or the _sex_?” Hanbin asks, his tone playful.

“You wanna talk about _sex_?” Jiwon dares back and Hanbin hastily shakes his head in his defence.

“We should’ve just played truth or dare, you know.”

Hanbin nods to express a partial agreement with Jiwon, because in all honesty, either games would open up personal questions for the both of them.

“Anyway, it's my turn. Speaking of sex….. how about you describe to me your first ever sexual feeling?” Jiwon asks, taking a sip of his wine.

“Like an awakening or something?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Hanbin hums, trying to recall the first time he felt sexually attracted to someone.

“There’s this guy back in high school….”

“Alright, I’m listening.” Jiwon leans back, palms pressed flat on the floor.

“A popular guy noticed me once. I’m introverted but far from the shy type. I simply don't know how to mingle with people and it got worse because I was mistaken as meek and a potential lackey. I was shocked when he approached me first.” 

Hanbin felt his lips getting dry so he took a sip of his wine before continuing.

“So with the help of some mutual friends, we knew and got comfortable with each other and eventually started dating, in secret at first. He waited for me to gain my confidence to be seen with him in public, and then one time he told me he plans to join a band so he invited me to watch him practice. I remember sitting in the corner of the studio watching him play the drums, he was so attractive and for some weird reasons my body started to feel like something is burning inside, I felt my face get hot—”

“You mean you felt horny watching him?” Jiwon made a throaty laugh.

“Hmmm yeah, you can say that. I remember getting hard just by simply looking at him, I needed to avoid him for a day because that was embarrassing on my part. No pun intended. Then I found myself watching him more during practice or whenever I got the chance. I think I learnt how to fantasise him more from that day too.”

Hanbin tries to survey Jiwon’s face for some reaction after feeling a slight panic, thinking he might’ve overshared. But deep down, it made him feel good for some inexplicable reason. They’re feeding off each other’s curiosity so every story they tell comes as a surprise.

“So a drummer huh?” 

“Yeah, he was a drummer.” Hanbin smiles sheepishly.

And that’s all Hanbin received for a reply. He’s not expecting Jiwon to be intrigued by how his sexual desires grew after hitting puberty. But he would like him to ask him more questions he has never been asked before. It felt surprisingly freeing. And he thought it wouldn't hurt to ask something even more personal than this, if that's even possible after all the questions that have been asked. Each and everyone have their own version of themselves whenever in a deep conversation, so now that it’s his turn, he hopes Jiwon would answer this.

“Jiwon, have you ever been in love?” 

Hanbin asks after taking a sip of his wine and turns at Jiwon. This may or may not be the most personal, intimate question tonight but the words slipping past Hanbin's lips made a sudden change in the atmosphere and it's almost palpable. Meanwhile, there's Jiwon presuming they’re both being flippant about this in the beginning, but the more personal the questions get, the more honest they want to be.

Jiwon exhales deeply; not the kind when someone is exhausted, but the kind when someone is unsure— because Jiwon is unsure.

“Thinking about it now, I’m not sure actually.”

There’s a sense of dilemma in the way Jiwon chuckles because he doesn’t know exactly how to answer the question. 

“People seem to have different descriptions or explanations about being in love, so I can’t be sure with my answer.” 

“Please don’t drink your wine. There’s no wrong or right answer.” Hanbin shoots him a puppy-eyed look.

“Being in love and simply being attracted are two different feelings, right?”

“I think so, but you can be in love and attracted at the same time or… you can be simply attracted but not in love. Isn’t it infatuation? A crush?” Hanbin scowls at him.

“Yeah, it’s the leveling shit that confuses the hell out of me. I may be attracted but not really in love.” Jiwon sighs, “I don’t know and I don't want to drink my wine, so maybe I’ll just based being in love whenever I see my mom with my dad, I think that’s love......"

“Elaborate, Mr. Jiwon.”

Jiwon turns at Hanbin smiling, pondering on how to best describe his basis.  
  


“So.... my dad used to have bad habits and vices that my mom never liked. He used to be a heavy smoker, drinker in his teenage years… a natural grump so he gets into trouble amongst his peers too. He quit all those and managed his anger issues well after meeting mom.”

Jiwon is looking up at the sky as he shares his parents' story and Hanbin is attentive, trying to catch every small detail, even wary of Jiwon’s body language.

“Dad knew he needed to give up some things to be better, but at the same time he never felt like he needed to change himself entirely to please mom. It felt like their whole relationship stood on a balance between give-and-take, you know what I mean?” Jiwon flashes Hanbin a tight-lipped smile before continuing, “I don’t think I have met a person like that. At least not yet. Someone who will affect me to drop a habit or influence me to be better, or push me to do something I never knew I'm capable of. It’s actually amazing seeing how things just easily worked out for my parents.”

“Yeah.” Hanbin nods.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I think what your parents have is beautiful. I mean look at you.”

Jiwon got a little embarrassed with the compliment but Hanbin likes the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles sheepishly. Somehow the fleeting silence disables them to move on to the next question, leaving Hanbin pondering about how relationships just work out for others but he thinks it’s never easy, on a bigger scale of things. Relationships are never easy.

“But you know what, being in a relationship is a lot of work actually don’t you think?” Hanbin asks.

“Yeah, I don’t know how couples do it. Mom would always tell me it came naturally for both her and dad.”

“I’ve always thought that relationships should be like a safe haven. It can’t be entirely perfect, but it should bring more comfort than struggle, right? I remember feeling loved less at one point in my past relationship because I was so busy looking for ways to make it work, for it to survive long. It just got too much in the end.”

Jiwon notices how Hanbin hugs his knees closer to his chest. He’s sharing bits of his past without the aid of a question. He’s grown more curious after Hanbin mentioned dating and being sexually attracted to a drummer and now he's telling him how he struggled to make his past relationship work. He could ask him more about it but he’d let him talk freely, about anything without him pressing him further. 

“Hanbin?”

“Yes?”

“It’s my turn now.” Jiwon shakes him out of his impending reverie and Hanbin gives him the go signal. 

“Since you asked me if I ever fell in love, I’m gonna ask you the opposite..... have you ever unloved someone?”

And now it’s Hanbin letting out a long, deep sigh, finding himself suddenly traipsing on that rope between simplifying a complex answer or gulping the glass of wine. 

_Has he ever unloved someone?_

“Tough question?” Jiwon asks in which Hanbin returns with a sheepish smile.

“Kind of. I want to be honest with my answer, unlike you.” Hanbin wears an accusatory look and feebly glares at Jiwon.

“I’ve answered all your questions with all honesty.” Jiwon raises his right hand in a rush as if to take an oath, which only earned an eye roll from Hanbin.

“Unlove…I don’t think I have ever unloved someone. I don’t think people are capable of that.”

“Elaborate, Mr. Hanbin.”

These words have been bubbling hot inside his chest for so long and now they finally found their way past his lips.

“You know that feeling after a sad breakup or any event in your life that brought you so much pain, with mine, I strongly believe I lived through it. I cried myself out every night, replayed all the sad memories in my head until I got numb and sick of it. I’ve never unloved anyone, I just learnt how to love myself more after realising that at some point, I didn't deserve to be hurt like that.”

It may have sounded vague in general but it was a no nonsense answer and Hanbin wrapped it up with a genuine smile. It made Jiwon smile too and feel some sense of pride towards him. Although there’s more to unravel from that answer and he craves to know what they are, he'd settle with the fact that Hanbin knows his worth and he’s still capable of love. That should be enough.

“That’s a pretty long story to share though, we’d be up all night.” Hanbin adds.

“I don’t mind staying up all night.” 

Jiwon pours some wine on Hanbin’s glass when he notices it’s empty. Hanbin drinks every time he finishes answering a question. It is as though sharing a piece of him drains him and he quickly needs a refill.

“Nope, we’re over it. It’s my turn now.” Hanbin dodges but his arsenal is now empty, so he sways the statement to a confession instead.

“It feels good, no?”

“What?”

“When you start talking about something you’ve been avoiding to bring up or you’re keeping from people.”

“Like a secret?” Jiwon confirms.

“No, not a secret. This, what we’re doing now. It’s not like every day someone will ask me to describe my first ever sexual feeling or if I have ever unloved someone. I'm actually happy you asked me these.”

Jiwon gets the slightest idea of what Hanbin might be referring to. Maybe like late night rooftop talks, but not with your best friend or a confidante, but with a complete stranger. A stranger like him.

“We carefully choose the people who we share our stories with, partly because of trust issues or mainly because those stories are either too painful or too close to our hearts, too meaningful and significant to be shared with just anybody. I want to share my stories with someone who I feel like will get me, understand me... or you know, someone who just wants to listen without any added input. I've always been hesitant being sentimental because I'm afraid I will end up being mocked and the laughingstock."

Hanbin chuckles, its sound a little helpless.

“Ah it's too mushy, I’m sounding really weird right now, am I not?”

“No, nothing weird, go on I love listening to you.” Jiwon refutes.

“I mean I have so many things I want to talk about and sharing bits of them with you somewhat makes me feel better.”

“Then share with me your burdens, I don’t mind.”

“I don’t want to call it a burden because it’d be unfair to you. It just feels liberating.”

“Unfair to me? Never. This game is my idea in the first place, remember?”

Jiwon winks at him for added reassurance, hopeful that they could talk more about those that make him smile, something that tugs at his heartstrings, the first, and the last.

“Should we talk more about your firsts then?” 

Hanbin ducks his head to hide his flustered face. That’s not exactly what he meant but he’s willing if Jiwon really wants to know about them.

“Okay you can ask me more about that, but it’s still my turn to ask a question.”

“Wait, hold up—” Jiwon interrupts him, “I’m not really a conversationalist and I’m already running out of questions, so how about we do this?”

Jiwon takes out his phone and scrolls through his playlist for some music to play. 

_Dakishimetai by Jungle Smile  
  
_

The sound of the electric guitar and soft, slow synths travel through the crisp air, mellowed with the crackling sound of the woods burning in the fire that densely fills the open, vast garden.

“Come on, stand up.” Jiwon skips off the porch and walks barefoot on the cold, perfectly manicured garden. He then motions for Hanbin to join him.

“Wait, why?” Hanbin’s face contorts in confusion but walks up to him anyway.

Jiwon holds out his hand to Hanbin, inviting him to the imaginary dance floor.

He’s taking him to a dance.

Before Hanbin could protest, Jiwon props his hand over his shoulder, holds the other and drapes his arm around Hanbin’s waist.

“Wait, are we dancing?” There’s a slight panic in Hanbin’s voice.

Jiwon hasn’t completely closed the space between them but Hanbin could now hardly wriggle his way out of Jiwon’s embrace. _Doesn’t want to._ The proximity is too warm, but he doesn’t know how to dance and Jiwon is starting to waltz.

“Just follow my lead.”

“Wait, I can’t do this, this is embarrassing.” Hanbin peeks at the ground, both feet entangling as he follows. He almost tripped but Jiwon catches him and he tries his best to look anywhere but Jiwon’s face that’s too close to his.

Sooner without Hanbin noticing it, their feet began to coordinate and their bodies started swaying at a perfect rhythm.

“When was the last time you danced?” Jiwon asks.

“I don’t dance.”

“That’s not true. Even during university festivals? Or membership training?”

“Nope. I watched other people dance and do silly things during membership training. I told you I’m boring.”

Hanbin insists and leans back a little to smile at Jiwon. The movement causing his back to arch against Jiwon’s arm.

“Is this the first time someone takes you dancing?” Jiwon asks.

“No one ever invited me to the dance floor.”

“Just say yes you know.” Jiwon teases.

“Yes. Thank you. Are you happy now?” 

Jiwon explodes with another gravelly laugh and Hanbin feels his chest heave against his. They’re too close and waltzing under the moonlight, looking into each other's eyes, deep black to brown. 

“Do you like dancing, Jiwon?”

“Not really.”

“Is this your first time inviting someone to a dance?” Hanbin raises his eyebrows at him.

“I felt like dancing isn’t something people would do on a normal day, plus, we’re on a date.”

“You didn't answer my question. So do you take your dates to a dance?”

“No, just you.” Jiwon tilts his head as if to prove a point.

“May I know why?”

“Because I want to get closer to you. Literally. So I thought we should dance.”

“That’s clever. I’m impressed.” 

Hanbin nods at Jiwon to show his approval, and they both burst into laughter after realising how silly this attempt to dancing is, but they seem to be doing a pretty good job at it.

The same song plays again. They let the melody overlap when silence fell and Jiwon lifted Hanbin’s arm and spun him around when the chorus of the song dropped. Then Jiwon twirled Hanbin again, this time with minimal force that almost made Hanbin lose his balance but Jiwon quickly caught him by the waist. They both laughed at their lack of finesse and continued to dance the night away with their bodies comfortably pressed against each other, almost hugging, its warmth fusing, until the song fades out.

“That was fun?” Hanbin tries to find the right word to describe it without sounding like he’s just being polite. The right word was _romantic_ , but he couldn't seem to gather up some confidence to say that out loud.

"My pleasure." Jiwon bows dramatically, proud of his invitation.

They sat back on the porch, their food lost its warmth, the wine bottle half-emptied and more questions are lingering in the air unanswered.

“I’m curious, what’s your business with my best friend?” Hanbin asks while he fills their glasses. He never really paid attention to Junhoe’s story before so now feels like the best time to ask Jiwon. 

“Oh, Junhoe? Didn’t your best friend mention me to you before?”

Hanbin suddenly felt embarrassed for his inattention.

“He mentioned to me about going on a hike with a guy in Japan, that’s all I remember.”

“Ah, so he referred to me as 'the guy in Japan' and not the 'Yakuza member'?" Jiwon makes a quoting gesture in the air to highlight the reference.

“He must’ve mentioned your name before but I’m really bad at remembering names, sorry.” Hanbin gives in and raises both arms as if to surrender. Jiwon finds him cute. He was just fishing how much Hanbin actually remembers from what Junhoe told him. 

“We met last summer, I remember having a drink with him after the hike. We found out we're both musicians, the only difference is he's the lead vocalist of a band and I'm not, we made a deal after that—"

"What deal?"

Hanbin hugs his knees closer to his chest to prevent himself from shivering uncontrollably.

“He mentioned about needing a drummer for his band, and although I’ve been spinning at clubs that time and had my contract signed already, he offered me a deal that after my contract expires I can be the drummer for his band. I really wanted to go home that time but my contract tied me in this country, at least if I lose my job here now I have another one waiting for me back at home.”

It isn't the sound of the rustling leaves or the crackling woods in the fire, but Hanbin’s heart beating rapidly, threatening to leap off his chest. His emotions catapulting, leaving him at a loss for words at the thought of Jiwon joining Junhoe's band as their drummer. And Jiwon continuing to talk starts to tighten that invisible rope around his neck, strangling him and he's quietly gasping for air.

“I remember the look on Junhoe's face. He was so surprised. I told him I can play the drums but I will need to finish my contract, so I’m here now, my contract expires in three days then I’ll head back to Seoul after to join your best friend’s band. Would you watch me play the drums during practice?” Jiwon tilts his head on the side as if to flirt with Hanbin, utterly unaware of the latter's current state.

Hanbin isn't equipped to take that all in _in_ one seating, not when things were beginning to fall back in place again. But here he is, subdued by the new discovery, finding himself closing in again due to a familiar memory and a bigger sense of dread for retrospection.

“I’m not feeling well.” Hanbin palms his cheek to feign sickness.

“Wait, suddenly, why? Is it the wine?” Jiwon shows a concerned face.

“I think I need to get back inside, it’s actually getting colder too. I’m really not feeling well.”

It’s a lame excuse Hanbin came up with instantly. He’s mastered this maneuver through time with different people to excuse himself from being reminded of the tragic past.

Jiwon is going back to Korea, that’s one thing. Playing for the band as the drummer is another. They’ll be even closer through Junhoe and he should be happy; but instead, this information opened the floodgates of the past for him. It’s unfair because every time he makes progress, his past suddenly resurfaces and drags him back to the beginning and he’s too weak to resist, too unwilling to fight.

And without a word, Hanbin rushed inside and left Jiwon on the porch without so much of a glance. Angry at how unknowingly unresponsive and fickle he tends to become in situations like this and sad because Jiwon doesn’t deserve such a ridiculous excuse. He just ruined a beautiful night by leaving with no explanation at all. At this very moment, he badly needs to be all by himself and desperately needs a wall to lean on. 

♫

And in the silence of the room and the sound of his beating heart, Hanbin found his peace. His heart tells him to go back outside and salvage what remains of the night, but his body refuses to move. His trauma greatly affected him physically as much as it did him mentally.

He calls Junhoe’s number to help himself get more clarity. The clarity he could’ve gotten first from Jiwon himself, but he couldn’t even hold a proper conversation with Jiwon without him messing it up every single time.

“Yes Bin, what’s up?”

“Is it true? Jiwon is joining your band as the new drummer?”

“Yes, I told you I’m meeting people in Japan so I met with Yojiro and Jiwon. Jiwon is planning to join the band after his contract at the club expires. Why?”

“And when did you plan to tell me about this?” His tone brittle but slightly stings.

“You didn’t really ask me about this, Bin. And after all that’s happened, I just assumed you stopped caring about the band so I didn’t bother telling you. Why, what’s the matter?”

Junhoe was right. Hanbin stopped caring about what his band does now or how they’re coping with the lack of music and gigs. Inside the past two years, he was battling against his own, neither seeking help from the others nor considering how his friends perceived his indifference and the sudden change in his behaviour. He never checked on Junhoe and Jinhwan and Donghyuk. He shut the world outside, bottled up his feelings, built the wall around him too high and learnt how to move on and heal all on his own.

“Hanbin? What is it? Why are you suddenly asking me about this?” Junhoe insists.

“I’m sorry, Junhoe.” 

“What? And why are you apologising now?”

“I’m sorry if I stopped caring about the band and for missing a lot of stuff, for not hanging out with you, Jinhwan and Dong as often as before….” Hanbin's voice almost cracked when he heard Junhoe sigh on the other line. They've been here before.

“How many times have we gone through this? Am I going to counsel you again tonight?” And there was a smile behind those words that gave Hanbin a slight sense of relief.

“Is this cycle going to end?”

“I don’t know, Bin. It’s completely fine to feel like you’re being unfair or selfish. You’re coping with your trauma and I could never imagine how hard it's been for you.”

“But I’m causing people pain while I cope, I’m responsible for their pain.”

It makes perfect sense and it takes understanding beyond logic, empathy and patience to understand what Hanbin is going through. In the past two years Junhoe has seen Hanbin succumb in his worst: the mood swings, the obtuse behaviour, the unlikable personality exacerbated by indecisiveness, panic attacks and the nightmares— anyone would easily give up on him and it's making him sad that on top of all this, Hanbin never stops caring about other people's feelings. 

Hanbin is with Jiwon and Junhoe could only rely on the probability that Hanbin is having a hard time being accompanied by somebody else other than himself. This might be the trigger, the unfamiliarity of interacting with people he barely knows. But Junhoe isn't as sharp and perceptive, so he would always confirm it from Hanbin first.

“Are you with Jiwon?”

“Yes.”

“Mind telling me what happened? You only talk this way when there’s a trigger.”

The question hurled him contemplating retrospectively. 

_What’s the trigger?_

And the answer is not a needle in the haystack, instead, it comes crashing like an avalanche.

Hanbin is catching feelings. 

He took the word of a stranger, let himself believe it and got upset over the idea of Jiwon having a girlfriend. It’s the growing sense of possessiveness and jealousy that clouded his best judgment. And now hearing Jiwon say he’ll take over that spot in the band who once owned by the very person he’s running away from until now makes him want to finally give up. It can’t be. The sound of the past resonates to now and he's still floating between its parallels and the present's.

“Hanbin, I’m asking you about the trigger.” Junhoe repeats.

This isn't the right time for Junhoe to know that this is far from his fear of crowds. That this feeling, this reaction is evoked by something foreign yet familiar to him.

“Nothing. I’m just having the usual relapses, this will be gone by tomorrow. I just needed to talk to you and maybe some time to think.”

“Are you sure?”

_No._

“Yes I am, sorry I called you this late. It's almost 11 pm, you can drop this call. Talk to you soon.”

Junhoe dropped the call and he curls up in a fetal position and starts to sob. Another episode of him having relapses and Jiwon was there to witness it. Again. His promise of creating his own sunshine the other day turned into a big storm tonight and now he's free falling into the abyss of self-pity all over again; upset and full of regrets that it finally rains. 

He's catching feelings; and tonight he hopes and prays that Jiwon won't give up on him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost a month since the last update and I should probably stop making promises to update weekly at this point since I couldn't commit anyway, I'm sorry! Based on my calendar I should be on Chapter 7 and this story should be making sense by now, but here we are ㅠㅠ but don't worry we'll have flashbacks in the next chapter! Also, the last two chapters were heavy with dialogues, if you noticed. Writing dialogues is one of my weak points so I try to write them as much as possible :))


	6. Lost in Translation

Fuck.

_“Was it a bad stomach?”_

_“Was it the wine or the steak?”_

Jiwon wishes Hanbin could’ve at least stayed and let him tend to him if he’s suddenly feeling sick, but he just left without a word and dashed back to his room. He wouldn't be as paranoid as he is now if he did.

He goes to the kitchen first before heading upstairs to check on him, drunk with thoughts of how easily Hanbin tuckered himself away from the supposed memorable night. He seemed fine enjoying the date, then all of a sudden he wasn't feeling well. He was left utterly perplexed. He opened each drawer to look for some medicines only to realise that the kitchen really isn’t the best place to store medicines. Maybe Hanbin can find them in a dresser drawer inside his room. 

He climbs up the stairs to his room and each step is a drag.

_Why are you so persistent? Why do you have to know everything?_

In the briefest of moments where he remains frozen, standing right outside Hanbin’s room, his words strike through him out of nowhere and he hates how they mildly sting.

“Hanbin? Is everything okay?” He knocks on his door, his voice a little louder.

And silence is all he got for an answer. He goes back to the porch carrying with him the assumption that Hanbin might’ve already slept off the pain. 

  
  


Jiwon takes refuge on the porch, idling with his cold fingers ghosting against the softness of the picnic blanket and the roughness of the night. He felt the breadth of Hanbin's sketchbook underneath the fabric. He flips it open and turn every page filled with intricate sketches that rather confuse him. Instead of drawings of houses and interiors, he sees silhouettes and unfinished sketches of the outdoors. There’s a pinch of melancholy in each sketch and he thought they're all hauntingly beautiful. He tucks it back after realising that he might be invading Hanbin’s thoughts as he flipped through each page. 

He sighs against the cold night breeze. The wine caused him to be more alert and wide awake now. His mind is absolutely blank, empty of any idea what to do next. But he can’t let the silence envelop him, be sated with the remains of the alcohol and be utterly thrown off to a drunken stupor, so he dials in Erin’s phone number instead.

Erin picked up at the first dial and effortlessly responded with a joke after he confirmed whether she’s inside the club or not. Jiwon wanted to make sure she hears the questions clearly. He needs clarity to the blur that puts him in daze every time he’s with Hanbin. 

“This is going to be so random but have you ever been attractive to me? Like the boyfriend-girlfriend kind of attraction?”

Jiwon heard a derisive laughter on the other line after dropping what seems to be a funny rather than a peculiar question.

“Where is this coming from?” Erin replies with another question in between chuckles. ”I’m gonna be honest with you, Ji, I think you’re really cute and charismatic. You’re a very likeable guy, but…. meh, you’re not my type.”

“Ouch.” Jiwon feigns hurt and clutches onto his chest as if Erin can see him.

“Don’t get me wrong, I think any girl would fall for your charisma, you just have to work harder.”

“I know how to use my charms and you’re not my type either, so I guess we’re even.”

There’s something with the way Erin laughed at his reply that renders Jiwon at peace. It reminds him of those late nights they spent after spinning at the club, trying to relieve the stress by talking about the most random, bizarre things: _what would the child look like if an alien impregnates a human, how did men create the pyramids without the aid of technology, how many mysterious creatures are there hiding in the depth of the ocean_ — but tonight, he has far more serious, lingering questions to ask instead of dwelling on those comforting memories. Despite his confidence slowly waning as he goes, he managed to bring about whether Erin—at one point— thought of bailing out of his life the same way Hanbin draws himself back whenever he’s with him. Maybe because he never really brought up these types of questions to her before which explains the doubts, but something tugged at his heartstrings when Erin affirmed to him that she treats him like her younger brother and not once did the idea of leaving ever occur to her.  
  


“Ji, what’s bothering you?”

There’s a long pause before Jiwon gathers up the nerve to bring himself to admit what’s eating him up inside. There’s that unfamiliar taste of bitterness on the tip of his tongue because this is not the way he initially pictured introducing Hanbin to Erin, but down this conversation he’s gonna mention his name like it’s inevitable.

“I joined this guy on his trip for at least a week but I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t want me to be here. I feel like I’m forcing things to work out between us and maybe he’s just too polite to admit that the feeling isn’t mutual. Does that make sense to you?”

“Honestly, I don’t know whether I should laugh or contemplate because hearing you say stuff like this is just… not you. You’re not an overthinker.”

And Erin is right. He’s the kind who lets things take their natural course. The type that dismisses whatever it is that doesn’t concern him on a personal or emotional level. But his perception has shifted ever since he laid eyes on Hanbin and now he’s unsure of himself, now he's an overthinker.

“If he doesn’t want you around and he’s too polite to admit it, then he’ll surely find a way to make you feel that he’s being aloof. Is that the case though?” Erin asks.

“I’m starting to feel like it. I want to stick around and at the same time feel like leaving. I’m not sure.” Jiwon runs his hands through his hair, utterly conflicted.

“Which of the two is from the heart? We’re always going for the cliché, do whatever your heart says, because most of the time, uhm, actually all the time, the heart always makes the right choice.”

_To stick around._

This is what his heart is saying but his mind and his mouth have already joined forces to do the complete opposite. And one constant thing that’s brought upon by being passive-aggressive is the abundance of excuses.

“You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna go back to Tokyo and have my exit interview.”

“Hold up, bunny. Listen to me Jiwon, it’s actually easy to find excuses for a way out, but it’s easier when you don’t have to. Are you sure you wanna go back to Tokyo to do just that or because that’s your one-way ticket to ditch the guy?”

“Nah, I realised I should’ve done the exit interview earlier. I don’t wanna cram until the last minutes before I go back to Korea. I could also hang out with you for a day or two.” Jiwon shrugs.

“And you expect me to follow that line of reasoning?”

Jiwon should've known better than lying to himself much more to Erin.

“Sorry. I just.... I need some time to think and Hanbin’s former boss will be back here in two days anyway, I’m pretty sure they have a lot to catch up on.”

“So the guy’s name is Hanbin?”

Jiwon haphazardly stumbles trying to tear himself away from the conversation when Erin starts interrogating him about Hanbin. He tries making up some excuses between trying to sleep early or he’s too drunk to remember what he and Hanbin had done in the past week— because it was nothing but promising yet short-lived. He regrets bringing up about him now that Erin's determined to know the reason behind his pain; or maybe because the last time she heard the sadness in his voice was when he told her how much he missed his family back in Korea. And it took him time to cope with the homesickness.

  
  
  


♫

Guilt settles upon him while he mutters a silent prayer that Jiwon would stop knocking on his door if he ignores him the first time. He couldn’t bear facing him; he’s too embarrassed with how he just brushed him off and escaped the night with the most ridiculous of all excuses. Opening the door and telling Jiwon he’s fine now doesn’t change the fact that he already discarded the night into ruins. He drew himself back again instead of confronting his feelings and tell Jiwon that he mentioned something that triggered his trauma. Something in him started to decay as he relived how they danced awkwardly, felt each other’s warmth through their hands clasped together, the way Jiwon’s eyes gleamed as he shared his parents’ stories and how the words of the older woman from the skyscraper somewhat found their way to echo to him now: _to_ _cherish each encounter as if it’s a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence….. because a single encounter cannot be repeated or may not happen again in the same lifetime._ And now he could hardly sleep and is constantly thinking about those words. He’s lying on his bed, waiting for the sun to come up, waiting for the new day to come as though it will give him a brand new chance to redo what went awry tonight.

Talking to Junhoe over the phone briefly provided him relief too. His best friend never fell short in reminding him that it’s okay to be misunderstood sometimes, that there’s nothing wrong with being selfish and prioritising one’s self once in a while. But he’s not proud of all the choices he’s making now. He’s catching feelings for Jiwon and he’s slipping away through his fingertips. In the past, he never really expected nor cared for anybody to fully understand him, but Jiwon seems to be an exception for him. If there’s any sliver of hope he can cling onto now, that maybe Jiwon is the one who can put up with his complexity, Hanbin swears he’ll do everything to make it up for him this time around. 

  
  


♫

  
  


His eyes roam the idyllic garden and let his face bask in the sunlight, smiling at the tune of the birds chirping when he hears Jiwon call out for him from the living room. Jiwon is all dressed up and the perfect timing to go out instantly made Hanbin perk up with an unfamiliar excitement. He thought they could go right outside to sight-see after they eat breakfast together.

“Good morning, how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine now. I prepared us breakfast by the way.” Hanbin flashes Jiwon a tight-lipped smile.

“Oh, really?”

They head to the kitchen and sit at the dining table with only the sound of their spoon clinking against the bowl as they empty it between them.

“Where do you plan—”

“Hanbin, I’m going—”

Their voices clashed, but Hanbin was quick to apologise for the verbal collision and motioned for Jiwon to talk first.

“Sorry, go ahead Jiwon.”

Jiwon sets aside his bowl and pushes his hair back before speaking.

“I meant to say that I’m going back to Tokyo today.”

“Oh.”

Something compresses inside Hanbin’s chest. This is it. He saw this coming.

“I needed to sign some papers at the club and have my exit interview be done personally. I know you wanted to enjoy this trip solo and I thought it’d be better if I go back to Tokyo as early as today to give you more time for yourself.”

Hanbin veils his dejection with a futile smile and forced excitement, telling Jiwon he’ll be fine all by himself in the following days. Of course this was coming his way, but he didn’t expect the impact to be crushing. Jiwon is going back to Tokyo and they might see each other next in Seoul and he doesn't expect anything to blossom once they're back in their home country. Jiwon will still play for the band as the drummer and he won’t be able to watch them perform until he overcomes his fear of crowds. They might continue to see each other from time to time, like strangers casually nodding at each other on the sidewalk, or if they're lucky, two friends where one helplessly pines for the other with unrequited love. That could be them. It’s sad because Jiwon might never hear from him first the reason why he behaves a certain way and how his demons from the past somewhat learnt how to swim while he continues to drown in deep troubled waters.

“The earliest train will depart by 10:30am. I should get going. Thanks for the breakfast and take care please, Hanbin.”

The sincerity in Jiwon's voice is as comforting as it is painful.

“Wait Jiwon….. can we see each other in 3 days? I'll be back in Tokyo in 3 days.” 

There’s a tinge of urgency and desperation in the way Hanbin asks the question, like he’s short of breath.

“I actually booked my plane ticket back to Korea on Monday. We can hang out sometimes in Seoul instead if you want.” Jiwon casually offers.

“Can I at least go with you to the train station?”

“I'm fine, Hanbin, I can manage. And the weather’s nice today, you should go out and sight-see as early as possible to avoid the crowds.”

Hanbin could only muster a nod and watch Jiwon gather his stuff and leave the house. This is him retreating, giving up on him and it feels devastating. This is the taste of his own medicine and it’s bitter. He doesn’t have the right to demand for an explanation too or even insist how Jiwon promised to join him on this trip and how his final interview being done personally was never part of the deal. There might be loopholes in his excuses, but it’s obvious that this farewell all boils down to the fact that last night was truly the last straw. 

♫

  
  


Days passed by without Hanbin leaving the house, spending the last two days finishing his sketches and waiting for his former boss to come back home.

Aya was surprised to see him without Jiwon when she arrived and Hanbin expected her to launch a full interrogation as to why Jiwon left him behind. 

They’re in the kitchen sitting on the barstool. Hanbin is almost zoning out waiting for Aya, who is now ceremoniously pouring the wine onto their glasses, to start questioning him. Answering Aya’s impending questions might just keep him sane until he goes back to Seoul, because Jiwon leaving surely left him dejected and the stabbing pain still lingers inside him.

“So why did he leave? Did you kick him out?” Aya scowls at him.

”He said he has an exit interview at the club in Tokyo, but honestly, I think he just got fed up with me.” Hanbin sighs deeply.

“But how? Wait, if I’m connecting the dots here, so he’s leaving for Tokyo then you’re supposed to go with him too, right? Then why are you still here, how did he get fed up?”

“We were on a date the other night but I ruined it.”

Hanbin started off the story with how they discovered her wine cellar and took advantage of cooking her stored A1 meat for dinner. Aya listens earnestly as he continues telling that Jiwon took him dancing and how he was so in love with everything that night but his demons were lurking in the shadow, waiting for the perfect timing to join him on the dance floor and drive everything into ruins. Aya could’ve chosen to feed off Hanbin’s loneliness and self-deprecation, but she tried to pull him back from solely owning the fault, only because she knows him and what he’s gone through. People with trauma have different ways of coping with their fears and they struggle in a way only a few would understand. Instead of letting Hanbin dwell on his flaws, Aya praised him for acknowledging his shortcomings and for his unwavering strength. Hanbin has his face pressed against his palms as weary washes all over him listening to her. Aya mirrored what Junhoe has been continually telling him in the past two years. There will be hurdles along the way but the present is not a big testing ground for trial and error. If he let Jiwon slip away now, he might lose him forever.

“Do you like him? Jiwon?” Aya asks while she twirls her glass of wine.

“I’ve been trying to acknowledge the signs but last night truly made me realise that I’m actually falling for him. Or I don’t know, maybe because I’ve been so confined inside my house and the studio for too long that I easily fall with whoever shows me little affection.”

“So you do like him?” 

Hanbin nods, his cheeks are now scarlet.

“But I pushed him away, not intentionally though—”

Aya cuts him off.

“Hanbin, it doesn’t matter whether you’re doing it on purpose or not. It’s how your actions affect him. Have you ever even asked him how he feels when you’re having relapses?”

“I’m not the confrontational type Aya and he doesn't know about my situation.”

“Okay, listen to me. You’re smart, you’re aware of how people see you, but what happened to you in the past doesn’t define who you are, the choices you make in the present do. You can’t just let your past hold you back, Hanbin. Overcoming your trauma is your battleground, you have to fight. You can’t just succumb to loneliness all the time.” 

There’s something profoundly endearing with the way Aya insinuates that he chases after Jiwon. He knows he can’t just let himself be sucked into an endless cycle of solitude. Falling for Jiwon might just give him enough impetus to take a 180-degree change from here, but he doesn't know where to begin again.

“You know what, enough of Jiwon, I’ll leave that all to you. If you think you deserve to be happy, then you will chase after anyone who makes you happy or anything that will bring you happiness." 

Hanbin slumps on his seat, totally defeated by Aya's words and the sound of conclusion in them.

"Speaking of happiness…... I have news that I’ve been itching to tell you.”

Aya couldn’t hide her delight as she tells Hanbin about their studio’s relocation of employees. Hanbin stares at her agape, taking all the information in and his smile couldn’t be wiped off from his face.

“Two employees will be relocated at the Barcelona site. Basically you’re bringing the Asian perspective in a European design setting and I’ve been out of the studio back in Seoul for over a year now, but I’ve always trusted you, so I sent them your cv. Please say something.” Aya looks at him, her eyes filled with excitement.

“Wait… did you just say Barcelona?” Hanbin is trying his best to hold himself back from giggling. His slumped shoulders are now suddenly relaxed.

“Yes, that’s right. One of the best cities in Spain, great football team, great architecture, great food. Hanbin, please say yes.”

“Oh my god.” 

And Hanbin is suddenly at a loss for words.

“I believe you’re up to the task. Most of the time clients can be really annoying but you seem to have an unmatched knack for putting up with their bullshit, not that it’s a good approach but, I really couldn’t recommend anyone apart from you.” 

Glee is smeared all over his face and Hanbin couldn't help but laugh at Aya who is now throwing gestures everywhere, confident that she'll make the invitation as enticing as possible to the extent that Hanbin won’t be able to resist her. She won’t even spare him a single second to retreat and give room for Hanbin's tendency to invalidate his own capacity by telling that there are others who are far way better than him. There may be, but this opportunity belongs to him. 

“Go out there Hanbin, explore the world, eat great food, immerse yourself in different cultures, fall in love, have great sex, kiss a boy under _La Torre de Eiffel!"_

“That’s in Paris, Aya.” Hanbin chuckles.

“I know! My point is you’ll work in Europe. All these beautiful cities are accessible by trains. You will enjoy this!” 

Aya squeezes his left arm for added persuasion, making him realise all the beautiful things that await for him in Europe. It’s surreal and Hanbin has to take a sip of his wine, its sweetness got him pondering on the prospect of travelling while working. To be able to explore every facet of interior design, he must travel to immerse himself with what the world has to offer so he can take in more inspiration and fill his drive and the relocation sounds like a great start for that. The job is such a dream. Europe is his dream destination.

“When will the relocation start?”

That got Aya clasping her hands together in excitement.

“Aha, I know you’re about to say yes, but don’t worry you still have 3 months to decide, please say yes?” His former boss is now all puppy-eyed.

“Yeah, I would love too, I mean it’s scary but I would love to.” Hanbin responds without hesitations.

Aya jumps over the kitchen counter and wraps Hanbin in a bone-crushing hug. She thought wooing him to say _yes_ would be such a tough task to accomplish.

“Oh my god, Hanbin. Thank you so much!” She peppers him with kisses on both cheeks and earned a mildly disgusted look from Hanbin.

Then she goes to stand on top of the counter, twirling herself in joy like a limping ballerina, celebrating her triumph in persuading Hanbin to take the offer.

“Aya, please come down now. You’re going crazy!” Hanbin glances at her upwards, laughing.

“I’m not crazy, just happy. Now the world awaits for my sweet boy, Kim Hanbin.” 

Aya curtsies dramatically and jumps from the countertop. They raised their glass for a sealed deal one last time tonight. 

Hanbin is going to Europe.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? This is a travel fic as promised *beams*


	7. Home Away from Home

**Seoul**

Summer is at least a month away but the surroundings start to feel warmer that made him roll up his sweater’s sleeves. He just alighted the plane and is now looking for his parents. The sunshine is blinding, slitting through the huge windows of the airport’s waiting shed. The brightness in this city is the total contrast of the gloomy weather looming over the whole of Tokyo by the time he left. And he might've carried some of its clouds with him because it mirrors his mood.

It’s taking everything in him to look enthusiastic and wear an authentic smile before meeting his parents. They picked him up at Incheon airport and after hugs were given and words of reunion were spoken, he told them to head straight home. Two years gone that seemingly went on forever, but he’s finally home. He can now eat home-cooked meals nonstop and drop by at his favourite pizza place in their neighbourhood. He should be happy, but it’s hard. They all rode in silence, his mind floating into a daydream. Only if he has that one person sitting next to him on the plane back to their home country, that one person he’d rather spend his time with in any given weather or season, his mood wouldn’t be this somber.

  
  


♫

Many would probably agree with him that a dining area full of appetizing variety of food is an instant mood-booster. If there's one thing that never fails to lift up his mood, that’d be his favourite comfort food and his mom’s home-cooked meals. And they’re all served on the table in front of him. He goes to sit at the table after orienting himself a little around his parents’ house, wondering whether his mom rearranged the furniture or the family pictures festooned on the wall, but nothing has changed since he left. And that paints a sweet smile on his face.

“Finally, my son has arrived.” His mom says and he’s aware that she meant that figuratively.

His mom is sitting across the table. She didn’t get the chance to ambush him with kisses at the airport, so now she jumps on the opportunity of peppering him with kisses, wrapping him in such a bone-crushing hug and reassuring him that he doesn’t have to deal with homesickness from now on. His mother watches him gulp the gukbap from the bowl and ask for another. Only when she comes back to the table with another bowl did they start talking.

His mother started off with how he has grown more into a man, putting emphasis on his more muscular physique and prominently sculpted features. Inside those two years, he and his mom had video calls at least thrice a month, but seeing her son up close in flesh and bones is far-flung from what the laptop screen had allowed her to see. He recalls how his mother would always ask whether he’s skipping meals after noticing that his cheeks have started to slightly shrink, and he would answer back, telling her he never did and it’s only due to sleep deprivation. Even adding that his ever-changing schedule at the club messed up his body clock too. The last two years have been a constant interrogation about his current well-being or whether he’s happy living all by himself alone, with the closing question of when he will come back home.

And now Jiwon is home.

“I bet this house that you will regain your weight in a day or two, baby. You can always dine at your aunt's restaurant too for free.”

“Does aunt know I’m coming home today?”

“Yes, we told her. If you want to eat more gukbap, just visit her at the restaurant, her place closes at 11pm.”

He nods and begins flashing his bunny-teeth smile at his mom then goes back to slurping the gukbap. But showing off his baby side now is not enough for his mother to drop the impending question about his sour disposition earlier.

“You didn’t look as excited when you arrived, darling. Did something happen?” 

Even if he doesn’t feel like divulging what it is that bothers him, Jiwon knows that his mom would get him to open up regardless.

“Sorry ma, I was just really tired and I miss all of you, I guess I just have to rest?” Jiwon feigns asleep and starts to yawn, clearly falsifying the situation.

“It seems to me that it’s your heart and mind that need resting. Talk to me darling.” His mother smiles at him, the wrinkles on her skin pulling together when she does. It struck him that he actually never paid attention to his mother’s beauty despite her age and he almost forgot that if there’s one person who can read him perfectly, that’d be his mom.

“It’s really nothing ma, I was just supposed to come home with this guy I met in Japan. He also lives in Seoul but I couldn’t wait for him. And I feel like he doesn’t want to be near me anyway, so I flew to Seoul alone first.” 

Jiwon started brooding after realising that he might be causing a sad chain reaction, but it’s too late now because his silence already did. He should be happy because he’s finally home, but his brain seemingly refuses to get rid of every thought of Hanbin: his faint smile, the mystery in his words, the sadness in his eyes…. those eyes…. and the times he dreamt of getting lost in them. 

Silence ensues over the table which leaves him looking at his own half-emptied bowl, spacing out to remember the past two weeks. It all started from that one sunny morning in Gyoen park. Hanbin’s face was glowing against the backdrop of the cherry blossom trees in the distance. The pale pinkish petals making his lips, high cheekbones and eyes stand out. The subtle introversion, the intelligence, the way he contains his laughter and there surfaced the unfamiliar disposition. He’s seen the swift shift in his moods that somewhat disabled his capacity to open up more.

He glances up at his mom who tries to set aside the slightly damp hair strands dangling over his forehead. The time he spent with Hanbin was somewhat abrupt and those days brought more confusions rather than clarity. This is the part that Jiwon badly wants to share with his mom because he knows she would earnestly listen to every detail in between without any unnecessary input, so he goes on.

He began by describing what feels like a sucker punch seeing how beautiful Hanbin is. Because Jiwon thinks he is— inside and out. The depth of those eyes intrigues him the first time, like it encapsulates a different kind of emptiness and sadness. As though he’s keeping a whole Universe decaying inside him. There had been times too when Hanbin threw hints that he could easily close in on him anytime. Hanbin is too guarded and penetrating or climbing up his fortress makes it impossible for Jiwon to achieve.

“Does he behave like that around anyone or just you?”

“I never actually had a chance to get to that point. Of asking him whether I’m the problem.” Jiwon lets out an exasperated sigh.

The statement threw him back into that night he took Hanbin dancing and ended up agreeing with each other that being in a relationship was never easy. The memory made Jiwon look at his mom across the table, her wrinkled face is still as beautiful, her black hair fading into grey as years pass by. And hearing his dad’s footsteps on the stairs reminds him of all the years they spent together and how it worked out for them. They’re as happy as the day they tied the knot or maybe even before that. Why can’t it be the same for others too? Why can’t it work out for him and Hanbin? Jiwon questions the unknown.

“Do you like him, do you like Hanbin?” His mom asks him with a smile.

His mom should’ve already known the answer but he nods nonetheless.

"I'm intrigued with this guy. Maybe you can try again once he comes back home, it might work this time.”

“I think I already did mom.”

It’s easier than done— trying. He could always send Hanbin a chat message and ask, _Hey what’s your problem? Why is being with you so confusing? You’re like a ticking bomb ready to explode once I make the wrong move_. Things wouldn’t be as complicated and hard as Jiwon imagines if Hanbin lets him navigate the ugliest, most complex part of him so both of them can arrive at a mutual understanding of each other. But the string of events, Hanbin’s aloofness, the instances where he repeatedly left some questions unanswered kept him chained and held him back from demanding clarity. He’ll be back in Seoul in a day or two but would his arrival change anything? They’re probably going to see each other more often now since he’ll be part of Junhoe’s band. It’s inevitable. Jiwon just hopes things will be better for the both of them this time around.  
  


♫

People have their usual route when going to school or work: a heavily vandalised street, a busy train station or a bus stop with a damaged bench. If you’re residing in Tokyo, highly likely, yours includes Shinjuku train station which serves as the heart of the city since it transports people to almost every part of Japan. Millions of passengers are traveling on the station every day and the number is enough to get Hanbin’s head pounding and heart beating erratically after alighting the Shinkansen. It's his first time arriving at such a busy time of the day and it was way different from when he and Junhoe arrived here the first time. People pour from all directions and Tokyo— for the first time— made him feel so small and powerless. Standing alone and in panic, absolutely unable to move in any direction in the middle of the train station, Hanbin gathers up the courage to run.

“Ow!”

He jolts around and sees the girl who accidentally bumped into him. Her eyebrows meet in a scowl while rubbing the crook of her right shoulder and straightening out her clothes, whereas Hanbin stares at her agape trying to recall where he’s first seen her. 

“Is there anything on my face?” The girl's attention turns to him.

Hanbin swallowed hard and shook his head. Out of all the passengers going in and out of the busiest train station in Japan, she happened to bump into him. It’s like finding a needle in the haystack.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you from behind.”

“No, no, it’s completely fine. I was running and a little bit clumsy,” the girl beams at him, “hold up, are you okay though? You’re sweating and you look like you’re going to faint.”

When you see someone who isn’t feeling well, your first instinct is to rub their arms or caress their head as if the mere touch will get rid of them of their sickness. That’s exactly what the girl did to him because he feels like passing out if he remains standing in the middle of the train station.

“Can you take me somewhere that’s not too crowded?”

Without hesitations, the girl nodded and held out her hand to Hanbin and helped him weave their way through the busy station of Shinjuku. Exits are too far from the platform so they have to stop once in a while so Hanbin can catch his breath. Every step he takes with the influx of people coming in from the opposite direction only exacerbates his current state. The sound of each footstep, the distorted voices— his senses get sharper when he’s in panic which makes the pounding in his head all the more profound.

“Do you need water? Oh my goodness. You look like you’re short of breath.” 

He felt her palm his left cheek and forehead and the gesture made him close his eyes. They’re standing outside the nearest Lawson inside the train station now. She handed him a bottle of water and an _onigiri_ she bought inside the store and told him how he got lucky that out of tons people who scamper to get on the train every day, she happened to bump into him. Japanese in general are very introverted people and while there may be some who would tend to him before the station staff can call for a medic, most would scurry away from the scene to avoid attracting attention from other people. She let Hanbin finish his food before pointing at the escalator leading out to the street. It’s just a few meters away from where they’re standing and Hanbin felt nothing but thankful for trusting her. He might be lying on a hospital bed by now if it weren't for her.

♫

  
  


They made it out.

They walked around the neighbourhood and ended up lounging outside a small pub along a narrow alleyway. It’s empty and most pubs are closed. The tranquility suddenly reminds Hanbin of Kyoto. He realised that all this wouldn’t have happened if he chose to stay there and maybe rerouted his flight to Kansai. Kyoto is more introverted and less chaotic than Tokyo. 

“We didn’t get the chance to know each other back there because you know, you looked like you're about to pass out. I’m Erin by the way.” 

He remembers her face, of course, but Hanbin never heard Jiwon mention her name or what she’s like. Maybe they really were just colleagues. 

“Hanbin, and I’m Korean by the way. Thanks for helping me back there, Erin.”

They’re seated on a long wooden bench outside the pub. Erin told him that the alleyway is still asleep but will wake up later at night. The entire sprawl of pubs will begin to fill with people by then, making it look like more of a red district rather than a food hub because of the excessive use of red lights and its nondescript exteriors. Hanbin is suddenly reminded of that scene from one of his favourite films, _Spirited Away,_ by the way Erin described the place at night.

“By the way, I was so worried about you. I was torn between taking you to a more quiet area or to the hospital.”

Hanbin couldn’t respond with anything to that, not even a _‘thank you,’_ only a sigh, because now he’s being a burden.

“Why did you get dizzy? Didn’t you eat breakfast? You have no idea how worried I was, geez.” Erin adds.

“I’m sorry if I made you worry, I’ve always feared being in a place with so many people.”

Erin looks at him in disbelief and suddenly bursts out laughing, the kind that makes her choke on food. She's glad that she doesn’t have anything stuffed in her mouth because she might’ve spit them out, “what? Are you serious? Then why did you ride the train? You could’ve taken the bus.”

The answer to this type of question will never not be complex and Hanbin would rather divert it than answer it.

“You know what, I’ve actually seen you before. I saw you at the club in Roppongi.”

“Oh really? Wait hold up, something’s not adding up. You went to the club?” Erin continues to contain her laughter. At this point, Hanbin is making a complete liar of himself with the information he’s giving away.

“First was Shinjuku station and now the club in Roppongi. Yeah, it looks like you really have a fear of crowds.” Erin nods at him, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

The sarcasm only made Hanbin sign in resignation. He guessed this is the dead end for him. _Does it really matter now?_ Telling a stranger that he had a traumatic experience that utterly separated him from any crowd? And that it was Jiwon who gave him the courage in hindsight to swim a packed dance floor for the very first time that night? The memory of it still astounds him too today. It still hasn’t sunk it yet how he managed to do it but he did.

“By the way, do you know the guy who also spins at the club named Jiwon?” Hanbin asks.

“Jiwon? Kim Jiwon? Yeah, he’s my best friend. Oh he’s Korean too, oh.”

“You two are best friends?” 

“Yeah, that idiot is my best friend. Why? How’d you know him?" Erin pouts in curiosity.

It’s news for Hanbin. The girl he thought was Jiwon’s girlfriend turns out to be his best friend. Now he feels so much worse. He told Erin that he wanted to see Jiwon spin at the club and that maybe it was divine intervention but his fright of crowds suddenly vanished that night. Trying ways to overcome his trauma is something he’d delay because he doesn’t see any point of fighting against it if he will only suffer more in the end. But not that night. The excitement to surprise Jiwon was too empowering to the extent that he swam a crowd. He truly sourced his strength from him that night. 

“Did you see him spin though? Or maybe talk that night? There’s no way he’d skip introducing me to you.” Erin asks.

“I didn’t see him. The bartender told me that his girlfriend was performing that night and I suddenly got jealous, so I immediately left.” 

Erin almost got teary-eyed hearing Hanbin share about what the bartender told him; and she might’ve gloated a little because honestly, Erin thinks she’s too pretty to be dating anyone. What she found even more amusing was that Hanbin and Jiwon had a little fight on the street because of Hanbin's assumption that she might've been Jiwon's girlfriend. But not entirely. She thinks it isn’t something that she should mock.

“Wait— what’s your name again, Han, Hanbin?”

Hanbin nods and hears Erin gasp at what he assumed might be an epiphany. 

“So you’re Hanbin?” Erin asks in disbelief.

“Yes?”

Erin shook her head. It just struck her that this guy sitting next to her might be the same guy that made Jiwon call her in the middle of the night, helplessly seeking some sort of validation.

“I see,” she sighs, “so you’re the Hanbin he’s talking about. Yeah, I’m connecting the dots now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hanbin frowns at her.

The mood has suddenly shifted when Erin began telling him how Jiwon’s voice sounded so brittle, asking her whether at some point she’s treated him more than a best friend. Sort of implying that maybe their feelings are more than platonic. Only to find out later on that there was this guy who made him feel disregarded. Hanbin learnt that Jiwon didn’t go to sleep that night after knocking on his door, instead, he talked to his best friend and tried to see himself from her point of view.

That’s him. Hanbin made him do that.

Guilt canopied over him and pushed him into a complete silence. He remembers the fight on the street, the way Jiwon wanted to understand his disposition but he kept dodging each word because the jealousy was so intense. It was a foreign feeling for him, something he never felt before because he’s always been prioritised. He’s been once someone’s center of the Universe for too long.

And there came that first night in Kyoto.

He was so in love that night. With Jiwon. They way he took him dancing and despite the clear sky emphasising the beautiful moon and the stars that surround it, Jiwon listened to every word he said with undivided attention.

“Yeah it’s because of me. I ruined that night. I probably pushed him on the edge and he was too polite to come up with an excuse so he can leave.”

Erin is starting to get the picture though there are still gray areas. She wanted to ask more without coming off intrusive. Despite Hanbin vaguely explaining that there are words or situations that trigger his trauma and avoidance has always been his instant remedy, one thing Erin can be certain of is that Jiwon must be special to Hanbin for him to reassess himself like this so he can be better next time.

“Do you like him? Do you like Jiwon?” Erin asks him.

Aya asked him the same question and now he firmly believes that the Universe can hear all these unspoken words but maybe he’s too late. He admitted to Aya that he’s catching feelings for Jiwon and now he’s telling the same thing to Erin. There had been nights when he imagined that before this trip ends, he'd be able to gather up the nerve to confess his feelings to Jiwon regardless of the fear that the latter might not reciprocate the same affection. Hanbin can endure it; because for the first time in two years, he’s done yearning and longing. And he won't let himself reduce this feeling again to infatuation just because he believes that this is brought upon by the fact that he hasn’t mingled with people in a while. He knows this feeling. He knew what falling in love feels like first before everything dwindled down and changed him forever.

“I think I might be falling for him.”

Erin crossed her arms not because she has to contemplate on an idea that suddenly popped in her mind but because she approves of Hanbin falling for Jiwon. Erin is happy to hear that someone actually fell in love with her idiot of a best friend.

“Say something, maybe?”

“Hmmm, I have nothing else to say actually. I think you two would make a cute couple, but there are things you should figure out first. Like a lot of things.” Erin puts an exaggeration in the word ‘lot’ because in any relationship, there's a lot to work on, especially miscommunication. The one thing that's seemingly hurdling the two from seeing beyond each other's shades of gray.

“I know, but I’m not even sure how to talk to him again.”

“Won’t hurt to try though, and take it from me, he’d listen, like seriously, he will listen to you.” Erin squeezes his hand for extra assurance.

"What if he's made up his mind already?" Hanbin hesitates.

“Jiwon, making up his mind? No, he's patient. He's the type who'll see the whole picture first before he gives his judgment."

There's the sliver of hope.

"A complex soul meeting a carefree soul. I think that’s beautiful.” 

Erin flashes him a smile and he notices how both of her eyes squint close when she does. So much like Jiwon.

“I think the carefree soul deserves so much better.”

There’s no way Hanbin can offer himself to Jiwon when he’s still trying to piece himself together. Maybe he should wait until he's fully healed and maybe by then he’d become someone who deserves Jiwon. It may sound like a complete disservice to himself because he’ll be enduring the pain of time waiting or maybe the idea of Jiwon falling for him too just scares him. 

Meanwhile, Erin frowns at his words, confused at the lack of confidence. Hanbin is truly falling in love but Jiwon is starting to doubt himself around him. The lack of proper communication will continue to repel them both. Hanbin should learn how to be more transparent with his feelings for Jiwon whereas Jiwon must regain his confidence around Hanbin. Erin would be pissed if these two don’t learn how to play their cards right. She can’t let Hanbin go back to Seoul knowing that they might actually just give up on each other without even trying.

“Hanbin, listen to me.” Erin takes his hands and holds them while she talks to him, "when you fall in love, you have to let yourself fall hard. No _buts_ or _whatifs_ , whatsoever. If you fall in love, think about how you deserve to be treated with care, respect and love each day regardless of your flaws.” Erin adjusted her seat so she can look Hanbin straight in the eyes, “Think about that one person who walks into your life and promises to watch the sun rise and set with you. That one person who will offer you to stargaze at night after an awful fight; who would take you dancing in your unkempt garden because life's been a little tough lately and you need to loosen up a bit. Life makes love look hard, but I think it’s always worthwhile. It’s a rewarding feeling being in love, so please don’t think that you deserve anything less.”

Erin pats him over his head after giving her lecture and she might’ve just become one of Hanbin's favourite people. He’s happy knowing she’s Jiwon’s best friend.

“I’m sorry, maybe I perfectly conditioned my heart and mind to always be hard on myself, but I’m learning how to love myself more, so don’t worry.” Hanbin smiles faintly.

“It’s okay, self-love takes time. And who knows, someone out there might also help you learn how to love yourself more.” Erin winks at him.

Hanbin still has an entire day to spend sight-seeing around the city before his flight. He mentioned to Erin that he’s been wanting to visit Kamakura, and luckily, Erin offered to come along with him. Thanks to her, this trip sucks a little less now.

♫

[Junhoe] _Morning, Jiwon! We’re waiting for you here at Dal.komm in Yanghwa-Ro._

He’s driving the car and struggling to navigate the roads despite the guide of an app. He’s taking turns simply by memory and familiarity of the streets and highways. He’s meeting Junhoe’s band mates today and in the next few days they’ll be gathering in a room full of record executives for the renewal of their contract, and in his case, signing a new one. The work for the band’s comeback will start to roll in the following months. Long days of band practices and late night recordings await him. The mere thought of making music again and seeing the crowd from up the stage squeezes his heart in delight. 

It’s early in the morning and Koreans obviously love their coffee so it wasn’t a surprise seeing that almost every table in the cafe is occupied.

“Hey bro, welcome home.” Donghyuk greets Jiwon first.

“Finally, nice to meet you Jiwon.” Jinhwan extends his hand for a handshake.

Junhoe patiently waited for this moment to come when all his band members will come together for the first time and be reunited as one through music, so he didn’t beat around the bush. He consistently talked with excitement in his voice as he laid out the schedule of the contract signing and the timeline of their band sessions and recordings. The last two years were tough but he found his lifeline in writing songs and now he's more than eager to create their melodies the same way he hears them in his head.

Jiwon and Donghyuk are listening attentively while Jinhwan throws questions about how they will regain their recognition and place in the music industry after falling from grace.

“The management insisted that we join gigs and lineups from small to big festivals first to regain what we lost.” Junhoe says.

He agrees that it’s a good strategy before delving into releasing a full studio album and going back on the road for tours for the first time after their hiatus. The next five weeks will be spent for practice, fine tuning their momentum and getting the right melodies for the songs they’ve written. Junhoe once expected that they’d eventually disband and the thought left him depressed most of the time, but they’re gathered all here now. It took Junhoe travelling to Japan to cross paths with Jiwon who is as musically inclined and he never expected the day would come when they would actually become band mates.

The four spent the rest of the morning talking about their future plans with so much optimism, until Jinhwan and Donghyuk have to finish their coffee and leave because of some prior commitments such as brunch with some friends. 

Now Jiwon is alone with Junhoe.

He wanted a few words with him but turns out it’s Junhoe who has a pending question for him.

“Aren’t you supposed to come back home with Hanbin?”

“Oh.. that,” Jiwon rubs his nape, “I had an exit interview in Tokyo so I had to leave early.”

“Ah, because I was worried when he called me one night. He's so vague that night but never mind.”

Jiwon wonders what the call was about, was it that night or the night when he’s already back in Tokyo? Either way, he doesn’t want to know. If it concerns him, Junhoe would’ve already mentioned it.

“Did he tell you when he’s coming back?” Jiwon asks.

“Hmmm, he sent me a message earlier that he’ll be back tomorrow and will arrive around 3 or 4am.” Junhoe lets out an exasperated sigh because he’s going to pick up Hanbin at an ungodly hour. Hanbin knows waking up at the crack of dawn is his pet peeve. He’s clearly abusing his best friend privilege at this point.

“Are you picking him up?” 

“Yeah definitely, wanna come with me?”

“No, no, I hate waking up early.” 

“Me too, right. He’s annoying sometimes.”

“Junhoe...”

“Yes?” 

“How long have you and Hanbin been best friend?”

Junhoe pouts, mentally calculating the years from middle school and smiles at the memory along, "we're best friends since middle school, which means we passed the 7-year mark already. Why’d you ask?” 

“Nothing, I’m just curious because you two are so close, more like siblings.” Jiwon smiles weakly.

He's terrible at small talks, worse is he couldn’t even bring himself to ask the questions he’s been so eager to ask.

_“So by the way, what made Hanbin fear crowded places?”_

_“Do you think your best friend is dating anyone?”_

_“What does he look for in a partner?”_

_“Why do you think Hanbin is so guarded? What made him close himself to people? To me?”_

All the questions remain stuck in his throat and have been fighting their way out past his lips. But today isn’t the best time to talk about that. Today is about the band. He'll get the answers he needs at the right time, in the right place.

Hanbin is coming back tomorrow and Jiwon badly wants to see him soon. Now it's clear why coming back to Seoul doesn't entirely feel like home, he's still missing his true home.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again I've updated after a month, sorry ㅠㅠ I will try my best to update as soon as possible it's just so hard to write these days esp when my mind is preoccupied with something else, I honestly cannot wait to post the flashback chapters so hope you can wait again a little more *sobbing sounds* talk to me in the comments *grinning emoji*


	8. An Old Muse

“Siblings huh, definitely. But I feel like I’m the older brother and not him,” Junhoe chuckles, lifting the cup to take a sip of his coffee, “By the way, I’m inviting him to join our trip before the recording starts.”

“Y-yeah, that’d be nice. Hope he says yes, I mean he has to file a time off work if he comes with us.”

“Bin won’t turn down this invitation that's for sure. He loves the view of the sea and he also hasn’t gone out with us three in a while.”

Jiwon tried to conceal both the nervousness and excitement in his response. It’d be nice seeing Hanbin enjoying the trip to the beach which reminds him of the disappointment on his face when they left early back from their visit at the museum. Hanbin must’ve really wanted to visit Kamakura that day, but since Junhoe was chasing a live band’s schedule later that night, he selflessly agreed to go. Jiwon twirls the straw on his cup at the memory and realizes that he should push himself more to think and talk about something else such as the band’s plans in the coming weeks with Junhoe, instead of revisiting anything that incessantly reminds him of Hanbin.

It’s almost late in the afternoon, the day is fading in a blink of an eye and Junhoe is already standing up asking if he has to be somewhere else. The café looks cosier now with lesser people staying inside which gives him the all-glass walls showing an unrestricted view of the sky in purplish orange hues. He's staying for a little while. His eyes follow Junhoe as he heads outside, holding the door for female customers going out. He's taking in the comfort of the quiet café with the words of his mom from the other day invading his thoughts at the moment. His mom suggested that he reaches out and invite some of his friends out for a drink to catch up and that it’d be nicer if he takes on the initiative to call first. Jiwon is a homebody, but he can be outgoing if he wants to and the idea of a reunion just doesn't appeal to him these days. After all, he has nothing new and fresh to serve on the table. It’s not like he went home from Japan with a successful life story—maybe joining Junhoe’s band could pass for one—but if he’s really confident enough to answer people interrogating him about his current relationship status, life goals and plans or anything about his stay in Japan, then he shouldn’t feel hesitant about doing it. The prospect isn’t as relaxing as his surrounding so he shakes off the idea by plugging in his earphones and letting the music bring him tranquility instead.

♫

  
  


There’s always a sense of nostalgia that suddenly creeps in whenever he dives into a daydream at night and seeing the bokeh of lights around Incheon airport from the airplane window at this hour gives him nothing but that. He’s uncertain about what the coming days will bring but one thing he’s sure of is he needs to find the avenue for him and Jiwon to talk. The feelings might or might not be mutual, but he can't afford to live off another year regressing because of fears of trying, of rejection and of getting his heart broken again. It would hurt as much whether he tries or not, so he might as well give it a go. 

He’s walking towards the arrival bay with his fingers-crossed, expecting that his best friend will be there waiting for him. He knows that one of Junhoe’s pet peeves is waking up early but there’s nothing he could do, earlier flights were all sold by the time he booked his return flight. His lips slowly tug into a smile when he spots the familiar giant stature waiting for him and thought that his best friend at least deserves a long, tight hug for consolation.

“You really think a hug can compensate for this inconvenience eh?”

“Trust me I looked for earlier flights but they’re all booked. And you rarely say no to me so…...” Hanbin gives him the best puppy-eyed look which Junhoe quickly waves off.

“Did you enjoy your solo trip though?” Junhoe asks while Hanbin takes off the extra layer of cardigan next to him in the car, “Please tell me you did.” 

It’s almost summer so the humidity is starting to feel and smell uninvitingly, even at the crack of dawn, “Of course, I did. I realised I should take vacation more often. I mean, solo, wanna travel solo more often.” 

“I’ve been telling you that a change in scenery will help you. You’ve missed out on a lot of things already, but it’s not too late, just always remember to take things slowly.” Junhoe is tapping his forefinger on the steering wheel while waiting for the first traffic lights to turn green.

“I’ve been thinking about visiting a Southeast Asian country or Europe next.”

“Where specifically? Are you planning to go backpacking?”

“Hmmm, nope. Ask me out next time then I’ll tell you more about it.” Hanbin replies teasingly.

If Hanbin wants to keep his future plans a secret, Junhoe would let him. What’s important is there’s a change in his aura after this trip although he doesn’t share much about it, especially that one time when he called in the middle of the night and ended up apologising for missing out on his friends’ important life events in the past two years.

“Bin?”

“Yeah?”

“The band will be on a trip before we start our recordings, you should come. It’s a healing trip on an island resort, you’ll love it.”

His eyes dart onto Hanbin who’s hanging his mouth wide open in surprise and Junhoe couldn’t help but flash him a gummy smile. The view and the sound of the sea, a bonfire by the shore while watching the sunset with him, Jinhwan and Donghyuk is always a good idea. 

“Of course I'll go, this shouldn't be a question to begin with."

“You know it's been a while. I remember our traditions and I'd be really happy if we’re all complete in welcoming Jiwon to the band...” Junhoe bit his lower lip before continuing, “I also miss the old times, I miss the old us.”

Junhoe checks on the vestiges of enthusiasm on Hanbin’s face after saying that, but his best friend is just looking straight on the road with hopes diffusing in his eyes. The night lights seemingly trailing on a long exposure, highlighting the realization that maybe he's the only one left reeling from the aftermath of the past and Junhoe, Jinhwan and Donghyuk have already embraced the present and are ready to welcome the future ahead. He’s lagging behind but he’s working hard to catch up. Hanbin suddenly felt Junhoe’s hand squeezing his knee, “It’s okay you don’t have to say anything, I must’ve chosen the wrong time to be saying this to you.”

“No, It’s totally fine. I miss the old times and the old us too.”

Rarely does Junhoe hear Hanbin talk with him with optimism and hope in his tone and it pierces his heart with happiness whenever he does. It’s an hour trip from Incheon to Hapjeong (where Hanbin lives) and the only thing keeping him awake and focused on the road is their conversation so instead of falling into silence, Junhoe filled Hanbin in with his band's upcoming plans to come back to the music scene. It’s a meticulous and slow process bringing up this topic with Hanbin but he notices how he's intently listening, so he started with bit-sized information and pockets of teasers about the songs he plans to put out. He'd take side glances to observe Hanbin’s body language because it's hard to pick up whether the topic is triggering or not, so he's taking caution as well. Though this might remind him of the past, Junhoe hopes that by now, Hanbin has learnt to catalogue the happy memories from the tragic ones. And what he meant with happy memory was Hanbin's knack for turning what seems to be mundane in the naked eyes into poetry. Junhoe remembers how Hanbin would write a poem inspired by Jaewon's calloused fingers because he seemingly never stopped writing songs, the murky smell of the studio due to nonstop practice, the distinct pounding feeling in their chests when the audience starts singing back their song or once the sound of the guitars and drums leak through the entire studio; this is the most beautiful part of their youth that Junhoe truly misses about him—his poetry.

They drive on the clear road at the speed of the approaching morning. Hanbin listened to Junhoe and took it all without subconsciously creating a gloomy atmosphere between them. Only if he can endure being in a crowd again cheering for his friends, watching them practice and perform on stage, maybe creating new memories with the band with Jiwon in it this time around wouldn’t be this achingly difficult.

♫

“How’s the trip?”

Hanbin managed to sleep for six hours before his mom came knocking on his door, waking him up for breakfast. They’re sitting at the table in their front yard, having tea early in the morning with Hanbyul by his side, unwrapping his souvenirs for her.

“I enjoyed it and I met some people too. Really nice people, mom.”

“Train stations in Japan tend to be really crowded. How did you manage to get through your daily transport there?”

The crowd will always be an unavoidable topic. Whenever Hanbin goes out and comes back home, the first question his mom would ask is how he dealt with the crowd. It felt like through time his mom has assessed him with every answer he gave which never went beyond ‘ _it’s fine,_ ’ only because he’s grown tired of explaining how crippling his trauma is, time has made him affirm that everybody would never understand him. But today is unlike any other day because he’d like to share his encounter with Erin in particular. The story began with how he had a panic attack and he was grateful that out of millions of passengers coming in and out of the station, it was Erin who bumped into him. Hanbin takes out his phone and shows to his mom some pictures of his with Erin when they visited Kamakura. Adding that more pictures were taken using his film camera and he'll allot time to bring them to a photo lab to have them developed. Hearing his mom assume that Erin is a pro model didn't come as a surprise, anyone who sees her just instantly gets that impression but he explained and refuted that she’s actually a DJ. Mentioning the job made him remember Jiwon too. It occurred to him that he should be telling his mom about Jiwon first, but he felt as though his brain has been reprogrammed to remember more of his last day in Japan with Erin than the last two weeks he spent with Jiwon.

“Uhm I also met this guy, his name is Jiwon, he’s Korean too and I think he just got back here a few days earlier.”

“Was he travelling to Japan too?”

“He used to work in Japan as a DJ, he’s Erin’s colleague. Cute coincidence, right?”

“You met people in a small circle, I see. Have you by any chance tried to meet up again here? With Jiwon?”

“We’ll surely meet again, Junhoe took him in to join the band.”

“Really?” Hanbin’s mom gasps, “so Junhoe is reviving the band, that’s great news sweetheart.”

Hanbin’s mom caresses his head, her non-verbal way of saying " _your friends are moving on, good for them. You should too, son.”_

“Mom.”

“Yes darling?” 

“I’m planning to move out, I found this place in Seongsan-Ro. I might start moving my stuff maybe next month?”

His mom stares at him adoringly for a good five seconds before pinching his cheeks. They say actions speak louder than words, but you can also just look someone in the eyes and tell a multitude of emotions swimming inside them and looking in his mom's, Hanbin knows she's proud of the little progress he's working hard to make. To move out is another adventure; he's been galavanting an emotional void for two years that got his mom worried that's why he disallowed him to move out, but he's more than okay now, it's time for Hanbin to look after himself.

“Then I will help you move your things then, sweetheart.”

♫

Preparing for a comeback after a long hiatus is not a walk in the park. It’s pretty similar with the first time they got booked for a gig and started to gather a small crowd at a bar. It's a lot of work. The only difference now is Summer Reads has put out some catchy, relatable songs in the past that have grown onto some fans, something they clung onto while they for the band to come out from hiatus. But the market’s need has changed; major changes and adjustments must be made for their aficionado to fully feel the impact of their comeback.

“The new album must have a mix of your new and old sound. The fans should be able to see that the DNA in your music remained intact while we introduce a fresher, newer sound."

Junhoe is sitting on the couch across Myeongi, their record executive. When he mentioned old sound, he prolly meant the songs he and Jaewon wrote. He met up with him today to discuss about the band’s recording schedule after Myeongi gave the demos a listen. Junhoe has been really hesitant in letting him listen to the songs he and Jaewon wrote in their college days because it’s too sacred for him, and a person who belongs in the boardroom picking the songs for the album based on their own liking is the last thing he wants to witness before getting back on their feet again. 

“I want you to record these songs, Joon-hyung will help you with the arrangements.”

“Myeongi, I just wanna make sure that Jaewon will be credited in these songs once they’re out?”

The record executive stares mockingly at him before letting out a laughter of disbelief, “Are you kidding me Junhoe? Give me one reason why we have to credit a dead person and how is it any good for the business?”

Hearing Myeongi address Jaewon as a dead person didn’t really sit well with his taste, if anything, those words only made his fist clench and unclench in anger. He stares blankly at him, battling whether to reason or let his emotions do the talking. He was half expecting Myeongi would disagree with the credits, the mockery in his tone is something he could ignore, but he won't leave the room until he agrees that Jaewon would get what's rightfully his. Letting Myeongi release the songs without due credits means betraying Jaewon and Hanbin, and worse, it could also mean a complete disregard of Hanbin’s never-ending battle of overcoming his dark past.

“Jaewon and me wrote these songs. I know there’s a clause in his contract that will still give you a high percentage of his royalties after his death. I just want to pay my respect—"

“Don't run your mouth on this matter,” Myeongi cuts him off menacingly, “You’re a performer Junhoe, do your job accordingly and go home with a dime in your hand. That's it.”

Junhoe knows better than to be swayed by Myeongi's mental gymnastics. He cut him off when the clause was brought up and this might be his chance to capitalise on his advantage and bargain. Bearing the business side of things in mind, so long as streams and the use of their songs across all media platforms come in, Junhoe and Jaewon will continue to receive their royalties. For Jaewon, it’s his family.

“Junhoe, emotions play little to no part when making business decisions. How is Jaewon’s death still holding you back in the present? Shouldn’t have you all moved on by now?”

Myeongi is going to empty his arsenal until he sees him succumbs to his own greed. He's using this narrative against him to make it look as though the band is still glued to Jaewon’s death and they won’t be able to move forward unless they refuse to acknowledge his contribution. He's seen this before. Junhoe wonders what Hanbin would say on this matter or how he would react, he needs to talk to him about this. But regardless if Junhoe proposes a replacement, he knows Myeongi will insist to have these songs released and even if they protest for Jaewon’s credit, the higher ups won’t give in to their demands.

“I can make songs and chase the deadline, but I know if Jaewon is still here, he would’ve wanted these out. I can’t stomach putting out the songs Jaewon bared his soul onto making without him in the credits. I’d rather you modify some parts of the clause instead.” Junhoe affirms.

Myeongi sits back and massages his temple. The only way to get this moving is by denying the band a comeback to teach them a lesson, but maybe not everyone in this business is evil and Myeongi has that choice today.

“I’ll see what I can do. You may leave now, I will see you after the recordings.”

“Think about it, Myeongi.”

Junhoe bows to Myeongi before leaving but before he reaches the door, Myeongi calls out for him for some final words.

"I'll think about it, Junhoe."

It's neither promising nor reassuring but Junhoe hopes he reconsiders his suggestion.

  
  


♫

It’s only been four days since Hanbin got back and Yunhyeong has inopportunely called in sick and chosen to work from home. His lunch date is absent today and next days as well. His usual go-to restaurant is just three subway stations away but he doesn’t want to eat all by himself despite the place being conveniently accessible. He fiddles for his phone to send Junhoe a message hoping he’s available at the moment or else he’ll just order a takeout.

[Hanbin] _Are u free for lunch today? Yunhyeong called in sick, I feel sad eating alone at the resto, pls join me if youre not busy :( plsss_

Hanbin instantly received a reply but was momentarily puzzled, wondering why his best friend would be surprised for an invitation to lunch. Squinting at his phone screen was an autopilot and his heart almost leaps off his chest after realising that he sent the message to Jiwon.

[Jiwon] _Hey Hanbin! Dis is unexpected I never expect youd chat me but yes im free I can join u for lunch, let me know where *winks*_

Junhoe and Jiwon’s name both start in letter J so Jiwon’s name comes before Junhoe’s in his contact list. He didn’t realise he inadvertently clicked on Jiwon’s name and incorrectly sent him the message. It wouldn’t look good now if he takes back the invitation, so he’d just play it off although his mind is in haywire because he’s still under the impression that there’s this lingering awkwardness between them after that night in Kyoto.

He’s right outside their office studio pacing in confusion and at the same time mentally composing his reply. If he couldn’t calm down now what more when he sits down and shares the same table with Jiwon. The people coming out of the building start to throw their stares at his direction but Hanbin is too focused on his phone screen. If he wants to turn things around, having lunch with him might be the best way to start, so he hit reply:

[Hanbin] _The restaurant is called Dosan Bunsik, here's the address: 10-6 Dosan-daero 49-gil, Sinsa-dong. See u ^^_

[Jiwon] _Be there in 10, wait 4 me!_

It’s been almost two weeks since that day in Kyoto and he hasn’t run into Jiwon since. He expected that he might see him again once the practice and recording starts or maybe during their trip to the beach. But today he's having lunch with him. This is the Universe conspiring to give him the chance and he better make it work. The thought makes his heart race. He’s grown fonder at Jiwon's absence and the closer he gets to the time they’ll see each other again makes his heart race even faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yay flashback teasers, we're slowly getting there finally *evil laughter*


End file.
